Friday, June 26, 2015

"First" hair cut

Oh wow!  We finally did it. We finally cut G's little locks as she got her first post-treatment hair cut. Oh my. A big milestone in our lives. 

My friend Angela offered to cut Gabriella's hair because she has been talking about getting a bob for a couple of months now. I try not to be the one to tell my kids what to do with their hair, except to make sure they brush it or I'd run around the house chasing them with a brush. But I asked her to wait till after her dance recital and wanted to make sure she was ready. Actually, I wanted to make sure I was ready as well.  

After her treatment ended, her little sprigs on her bald head started growing into beautiful wavy blonde curls and she was able to start kindergarten with a little "pixie" do. So many times people would comment on how cute her haircut was and ask me if I frosted the ends. The thought process in my mind would always come up in the obsurdity that people thought I would take my 5 year old to a salon and have her hair colored...What?  Are you kidding me?  Do I look that vein?  Then I would think to myself, "It's actually not a cut". 

It would always stir up some emotion and I would think about how I was going to respond....should I tell them she had cancer?  Do I feel like explaining the whole story to a stranger?  Do I want to rock this persons world and tell them what my sweet little girl went through the past year?  And depending on my mood, I'd either tell them it was from the sun and be done with it or I'd straight up tell them she had cancer, chemo, lost all her hair and now it's growing back.  Some would be so shocked to hear this and not no what to say except "It's so pretty.  Oh I have to pay for my highlights, haha". And I would think, yes, she payed dearly for those. 

Not that I'm attached to hair or my children's hair but Gabriella loosing hers was such a pivotal moment in our journey.  It was the moment where we though, "oh shit. This is really happening". And the moment we knew everyone else in the world would realize what our child was enduring.  It's the commercial you see on TV with the little bald kid and a huge smile on their face asking for donations for children fighting cancer. You know, the one that no one wants to ever think about yet alone experience it first hand. Yeah, that was us. Somewhere back in the early part of this blog is a post about it. Her hair has gotten somewhat long before she was diagnosed and it was beautiful.  Sometime after her first or second treatment, we went to visit friends who were staying at a local resort and took the girls swimming. We were in the hot tub and hair just kept coming out. I was trying to ball it up and push it to the side so the people near us wouldn't know what was happening. I'll never forget looking over at Adam and just knowing we were both feeling the punch in our guts.  When we got home, I took some scissors and chopped it right at her shoulders. More and more continued to come out over the next few days and finally, it was coming out so much that I just continued to pull it until all the long strands were out. My heart just broke into a million pieces on the inside. But I didn't want my girls to know how upsetting it was so we made it "fun" and took a video. G just laughed and Bridgy, not even 2 at the time, picked up the whole wod of hair, realized she didn't like the way it felt, and threw it back on the ground trying to shake all the little pieces from her hands. The "hair fairy" came that night and left the girls a big basket of goodies. And yes, the hair fairy still comes to visit us whenever anyone in the house gets a hair cut...even Ellie the dog. 

Ok, back to today. The girls and I had been looking at some picture of hair cuts and they both found a couple that they really liked. After telling me she was so ready to get a "bob like Laurel's", our neighbor friend, G had said a few days ago that she "wasn't ready yet". So, we looked at more pictures and got her all excited about it.  She was ready.  I was ready. I was actually more excited to not have to chase them around the house with a brush, especially my Bridgy. But she's getting hers cut tomorrow. Ange put her hair in two little pigtails and cut those babies off. Whew. A surge of emotion ran through me and tears crept into my eyes. I'm not sure if it was sadness for all that time she let it grow out and was loosing her little blonde "chemo curl" or happiness because we get a fresh start. I'm thinking it was a little of both but more the latter.  Gabriella suddenly became this little lady, this beautiful little girl who overcame this horrible disease. I LOVE her hair and I am so proud of her!  Thanks Ange!

Seriously, this is the most I've ever written about hair.  Did I mention Ange cut mine too?  And I love it. 

Monday, June 8, 2015

My child didn't die of cancer.....

I wrote this back in April.  Never posted it. Not sure why.  But here it is.

Yet, every day I think about the fight.   I continue to fight because if I can spare just one mother the agony of hearing the words, "your child has cancer" I will continue to fight.  It's not always easy.  Often, I question my intentions and look at my own girls, asking myself, "why are you continuing to fight, why are you not spending every moment with them.  But, that's just not possible nor is it healthy.

There are certain times where it just hits me...thoughts, guilt, happiness, grief....and I just have to update the blog.  I know not many are out there and I'm hoping that more are following our Team G social media pages.  So these writings are more for me, to get the thoughts out.

It's been a big adjustment going back to "normal" life.  But it's not normal.  We still have fears.  We still have follow up scares and follow up scans.  And the task for me is finding the balance of what my heart raise my girls and be with my family, to be a mom, to work, to do it all.  Then there's the part that my other heart wants to fight for childhood cancer, to make it go away, to be a force to recon with.   It's a constant battle between balancing life, love, commitment, hope and all of the above.

I read an article that my friend had posted the other day (yes on FB which has the tendency to suck one in....that definitely needs many checks and balances in order to be a "healthy" balance). It was one about being a mom and having young children...and the sacrifices we make as mothers but the joys that come from those sacrifices.  It's interesting to look back on the generation of our parents...some of them were stay at home moms and others thought, "what the heck...I can have a career...and be a mom".  We were taught to pursue life, pursue opportunity, to get degrees, and all of the above. This is what I teach my children on a daily basis...go get an education, don't settle for less, and go conquer the world....because we can. But, as the article I was reading described, no one tells you that those quests can possibly come at a cost. No one tells you that in order to be successful in business and work that other sacrifices will have to be made. I'm actually glad no one taught me this. I'm actually glad because I am having to learn it for myself. That's the key. To make the discoveries on your own. Then and only then will you know what works best for you and your family. 

I still struggle constantly with these choices.  I think for any mom that having another part of life separate from your children makes  At the end of the day when I go to tuck my girls in, after all the "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" I hear most of the time that makes me want to pull my hair out by the end of the day (but that I appreciate and will always cherish), putting them to bed seeing the transition from "omg....please please go to bed" to "these children are so incredibly special and adorable"....there is no comparison.  

Sometimes but very seldomly, I look back on the posts I've written, thinking to myself "who is this person?".  It's me.  It was me.  Fighting my daughters cancer.  Fighting for her life.  It's not easy to read the posts I once wrote.  Often I will start reading, then look away because it's too much.  I'm not ready to go back there yet.  I'm not ready to process it all.   I'm to into the present and enjoy the moments that are here, now.  Then I think, do I really need to re-live it all?  I just did.  I was just there and I'm really enjoying not being there.  It felt like a lifetime ago.  I'm not ready to go back.
So, this is me.  Staying busy.  Staying on top of things.  Staying ahead of those random moments of my anxiety and stress.  Trying anyway.  Hmmm, maybe it is good to process.   

Day #10 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood Cancer

Apparently I suck at writing challenges J.  So, back to the business of life!  All is amazing in our life.  Gabriella is reading like a champ and Bridget is getting ready for kindergarten!  At this point, we are all getting ready for summer and that should be a blast.

I'll write more soon.