tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81303705778324674112024-02-19T05:40:56.898-08:00Team GOur site dedicated to Gabriella Cosner,
our oldest baby at age 4 who was diagnosed
with rhabdomyosarcoma in March 2012.
WE WILL FIGHT THIS!!!Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.comBlogger204125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-36368906216652040132016-09-28T22:48:00.001-07:002019-07-02T18:17:26.092-07:00The journey continues....<div class="MsoNormal">
My butt hurts from sitting in classes and lectures all day.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My brain hurts from the knowledge that has been bestowed
upon me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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My back hurts from lugging a 25+ backpack around the city;
books, food, clothes and all.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My eyes hurt from looking at a computer screen and trying to
absorb all of the information given to us in the last few weeks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And my heart hurts from not being with my girls and my
husband.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
…But my life is full.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And for that, I am so grateful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve made a promise to myself long ago that I was not only
going to let people into our journey, but that I would continue to share the
experiences that we have and will face throughout the years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Childhood cancer is not as simple as a viral
cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not something that you get,
fight, become immune to, and fades away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No. It is a lifelong experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s one that does not simply go away when the active disease process
ends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a constant worry, “is it
back, have we relapsed, what is that bump, that bruise, are we doing enough to
fight it?”…and for some, the constant reminder that this insidious disease took
their child from them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not sure how many moms have been lucky enough to have
been in my shoes…to have had a nursing background and to have experienced
emergency/trauma situations, and the pediatric acute care setting prior to my
daughter being diagnosed. Then to have a survivor emerge out of all of the
chaos and to be able to continue my education so I can assist others through
their journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel incredibly
lucky….and incredibly blessed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These past couple of days and the last few weeks have been a
daunting task. Starting graduate studies….organizing, processing, scheduling,
more organizing….trying to fit back into the world of school and the world of
parenting and all the other worlds we have to juggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is safe to say that my worlds have
collided…and I’m trying my best to keep them all situated, organized and in
their little boxes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As my husband Adam
would say, “In a bag, in a box…in a box, in a bag”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like things organized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But as I know, it is NOTHING like facing a
new childhood cancer diagnosis and it is NOTHING like being told that there are
no more options.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is voluntary and I
am honored and grateful for the opportunity to pursue my passion. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I bury my face into my hands as if to stop my world from
spinning…and take a moment to make sure I am doing the right thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I realize, there’s nothing more I want to do (…besides the obvious).<o:p></o:p></div>
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There was a point today when I was in between classes
thinking., “oh my god…this is going to be a lot of work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can I really do this? Can I really go back to
school, balance my family life, work, friendships, and all of the rest?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait, of course I can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I WILL NOT give up”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thought of not doing it quickly subsided
when I took myself back to the early days of Gabriella’s diagnosis and
realized, I absolutely can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mind
won’t let me linger for more than a few seconds on those early days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just remembering bits and pieces is plenty to
keep me motivated. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7aBV7Vm20U_m7b1Dh19HNKCbbYJHgTml3AKnS2QJHXTVcFWtEwxeTtQrcliQBAxzVCSEMBXaDzmMKAZmILkqZZn2tWjObT4-RNZj3oEII-kuFGwdtHaf3EbvibCRmo-r0alfKqq0vhyphenhyphenBj/s1600/IMG_1882.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7aBV7Vm20U_m7b1Dh19HNKCbbYJHgTml3AKnS2QJHXTVcFWtEwxeTtQrcliQBAxzVCSEMBXaDzmMKAZmILkqZZn2tWjObT4-RNZj3oEII-kuFGwdtHaf3EbvibCRmo-r0alfKqq0vhyphenhyphenBj/s320/IMG_1882.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I received this gift from my girlfriends on my birthday last
year<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today I look at it and realize how
spot on my friends were when they created this for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My loves, Adam, Gabriella, Bridget…and Team
G.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I gleam when I wear this necklace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wear it with pride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want everyone
in the world to know where we’ve been and where we are now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And Team G….oh Team G.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have so much thanks to give (that is for another blog post).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I’ve said from the beginning; Team G is
all of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not my girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the basis that we all came together…to
fight one cause.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love where we’ve come
from…and I love where we’re going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
There will be tears along the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And pride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And gratitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am So.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thankful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-77978409632312496242016-07-01T20:28:00.002-07:002016-07-01T23:53:53.219-07:00The "white blob"<div style="line-height: normal;"><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It's not cancer....(most likely). But what is it? </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So....deep breath..... G's oncologist called today. Said they found a "spot" on her spine from Monday's scans. Not sure what it is but they are talking about a rescan in 3 months. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I was on my way to work and received a call from the hospital. Seeing LPCH on my caller ID was nothing unusual since I was expecting a call from one of the foundation directors. But we normally haven't received a call about G's scans a few days after unless to schedule the next appointment. She wasn't feeling well the day of scans and running a small fever but had turned around after a rest day the following day. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">After Dr. Aftandilian and I talked shortly about how G was feeling, she told me that they found something on the scan. A "spot" on L5 in the vertebral body. Looking back, it was there 6 months ago on the last scan (and possibly there a year ago) but it wasn't remarkable at that time. Now, its a 7mm spot that is not deniable on her MRI. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The panic didn't and set in until I called my manager and told her the call I had received. I couldn't help but let the tears roll down my face and not deny that I was scared. I am scared. We knew the next step was to meet our doctors in person to discuss options, possibilities and a plan of action. Luckily we were able to arrange that today. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So here's the good news:</span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We (they) don't believe it's cancer for the many reasons that we discussed at our meeting today. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-It's not the typical pattern of a reoccurrence. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-It's not common for rhabdo to recur in the spine.</span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-There were no other questionable spots found in anywhere on her MRI or on her chest X-ray. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-The borders of this thing..."lesion"...is circumscribed meaning it is not abnormal (as a malignant tumor would be) and is round in appearance. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-It was not in the area (or field) where she had her radiation meaning it is not likely a secondary cancer from her initial radiation therapy. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-She has no signs or symptoms of pain and very little problems in this area. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And here's the uneasy news:</span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-A biopsy in this area is very invasive and not easy since it is in the vertebral body (google it and you will see what I mean). They doctors would have to go in from the from the front of the abdomen to biopsy it if that's what needs to happen. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-We don't know what it could be </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-It's something on her spine and anything on her spine is very suspect for further (agonizing) evaluation. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-Unfortunately we need to wait 3 months so we can evaluate the speed of growth and analyze if this is something that will impede on her spinal cord...and what we need to do to fix it. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-We will repeat an MRI of the spine at about 3 months and will perform further testing as indicated at that time.</span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">-Whatever this "lesion" is, it has slowly but surely grown. If it grows further, there are probably surgical procedures we need to consider in order for the spinal cord not to be harmed and normal function to continue. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We discussed the possibility of another MRI, a PET MRI, a regular CT, a PET CT, and possibilities of a biopsy. The goal is to do the least amount of harm that we can possibly do but serve our due diligence in figuring out the seriousness of this "white blob". </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Here is the picture of the MRI from Monday. My finger is pointing at the white spot in the L5 vertebral body on her spine. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4g7jsyCwmMvYUZ-mTX27ciNvX-H1UdRBmGDTQk5QIXAgz5NX4FA_Q-fUdr5asgD-D5H_wy6jb-RKC9EhKSDEQFJNEADD3zqN_1_2XXpmP03s-bjaMU0J_MAmZBUMAxNRKa5q5O2sPl72L/s640/blogger-image--1260847101.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4g7jsyCwmMvYUZ-mTX27ciNvX-H1UdRBmGDTQk5QIXAgz5NX4FA_Q-fUdr5asgD-D5H_wy6jb-RKC9EhKSDEQFJNEADD3zqN_1_2XXpmP03s-bjaMU0J_MAmZBUMAxNRKa5q5O2sPl72L/s640/blogger-image--1260847101.jpg"></font></a></div></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I could hardly breathe today. I want to believe that it's not cancer. I want to believe that with all my heart. And we were pretty assured that it's not. But as a cancer parent, you know all too well that you don't take ANYTHING for granted. Damn it, I'm thinking positive but I as sure as hell I don't want to be caught off guard again. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Just the other day, I was telling a close friend about the mint in our garden. It was a symbol to me. I had ripped it out one day during treatment because it represented G's cancer. I hated it. It was a weed. Ripping it out was therapeutic because as long as it stayed away, G's cancer would stay away too. Well, last month, the mint started growing again. Then scans were coming up. I'm not a superstition person but it affected me. So my friend came over with weed killer and champagne. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I am so thankful for the love, family, and friendships that has surrounded us through this journey. I am so thankful for the friendships that we have created and found and I know we will be ok. Gabriella will be ok. </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">For the next three months, we will be living life. Enjoying our vacation. Enjoying summer and all that comes from it. Enjoying planning our return to the girls school in August and starting at my school in September. We will be raising funds for pediatric cancer. And we will be doing our due diligence as cancer parents to our daughters...both of them. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Sincerely,</span></div><div style="line-height: normal;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Life from a cancer mom. </span></div></div></div>
Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-59344358324209704802016-06-12T15:39:00.000-07:002016-07-04T09:29:58.848-07:00Next stop...<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: -.25in; text-indent: .75in;">
Next stop...UCSF for the Acute Care Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Program and a Masters degree. I am ecstatic, over the moon, scared, wondering how I'm going to do this...but I will. I have the determination to make it happen. Plus, I have a loving and supportive family to get me through it. We have come so far from the beginning of the journey and it drives me to continue sharing, continue fighting, and continue doing what I can to help stop childhood cancer. <br />
Here is the essay I wrote for my application. I'm sharing this with you all because....well, I've been trying to share as much as I can of this journey. It's been a crazy experience and one that has brought me so much awareness. I'm hoping it has brought awareness to everyone reading it. I'm also asking for funding assistance for my education. This is not easy to do...at all. I don't even like it. I will ask for funding for pediatric cancer until the cows come home. But to do it for myself, not so much. I hope I've compelled enough people to believe in our story, our fight and the continuation of me, as a nurse, to assist those families doing something I love to do. So, here goes.... my funding page is: <span style="text-indent: 0.75in;"><a href="https://www.gofundme.com/27zgjhg">https://www.gofundme.com/27zgjhg</a></span><br />
<i style="text-indent: 0.75in;">"I knew from a young age that I wanted to pursue a career in the field of
nursing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Growing up with three role
models in my life, my mother being a nurse practitioner, my father being a
physician and my stepfather, a dentist, I was inspired by the science of
nursing and medicine. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only was I
influenced with these career paths, I was also inspired by my families
commitment to the underserved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through
this passion, I developed my own dedication to serving the underserved and
pursued many activities volunteering to care for vulnerable and diverse
populations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Continuing my nursing education
as a nurse practitioner after my undergraduate studies in an area working with
underserved populations meant acquiring further skills, gaining more knowledge
and becoming more autonomous in my field of choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This has been a continuous goal of mine since
I chose nursing as a career.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: -.25in; text-indent: .75in;">
<i>Early in my schooling, my cumulative GPA reflects early academic
challenges that I worked relentlessly to overcome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since my first years as an undergraduate, I
evolved and developed excellent study habits as I prepared for completion of my
nursing degree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through work in nursing
school and continuing on to advanced graduate studies at San Jose State, I
maintained an excellent GPA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve learned
lifelong study skills that will assist me with my future endeavor as a successful
graduate student.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: -.25in; text-indent: .75in;">
<i>My experience as a registered nurse has been more than gratifying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent my first few years in
emergency/trauma departments including work with the pediatric population,
which taught me not only <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">physical
aspects of treating my patient but psychological aspects in treating the entire
family</span>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also learned to
recognize the unique needs of children and families of impoverished
backgrounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This experience I have been
able to carry throughout me in my practice. In the setting of critical
situations, I’ve gained the experience to be flexible, a quick learner adapting
to difficult situations, and enjoy the challenge of diverse situations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although I love the nursing field, I felt it
necessary to make a change and try a new setting through acquiring my real
estate license. This was a successful venture learning new business skills and conducting
real estate transactions. Although I enjoyed the challenge, nursing was my
calling and I returned to start my professional development in the intensive
care unit. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: -.25in; text-indent: .75in;">
<i>Initially, my goal was to become a family nurse practitioner and work in
a clinic to serve a diverse and vulnerable population. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started graduate work two separate times to
realize this goal but life had other plans for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My 4-year-old daughter was diagnosed with a
rare cancer called rhabdomyosarcoma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nothing can prepare one for this journey but luckily, the outcome has
been positive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the moment of my
daughter’s diagnosis to the time of finishing treatment, everything became
uncomplicated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been touched and
inspired by pediatric oncology patients and the families I’ve encountered. <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>I finally realized my true potential
and lifework for my nursing career to become an oncology pediatric nurse
practitioner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: -.25in; text-indent: .75in;">
<i>Through my journey, I learned the disparity and vulnerability of the pediatric
cancer population. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children with cancer
are considered a minority and therefore only receive 3.8% of government funding
allocated to research.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the help of
other cancer parents, I started a 501©3 non-profit foundation to provide
support and funding to pediatric cancer research. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This comes in the form of care packages
called Hope Totes to newly diagnosed cancer families and funding pediatric
research to local institutions including UCSF Benioff and Lucile Packard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our total has exceeded $93,000 in direct
research funding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am proud to be the
founder, Chief Executive Officer with a motivated Executive Board of Directors.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With all of these accomplishments,
learning proficiency in Spanish is also high on my list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only will I complete my statistics this
upcoming semester, I will be evolving my skills in Spanish because this is an
important aspect of providing accurate health to underserved populations. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: -.25in; text-indent: .75in;">
<i>Our foundation has been an important aspect to healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, it is time to take the next step and
become proficient in this field in order to become an advocate and influential
resource for children battling cancer as well as the families who travel this
journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With my strengths being an
achiever, a learner with a great desire to continuously improve my skills, and the
ability to individualize people and situations, I will be successful in the
pediatric nurse practitioner program and my future role as a pediatric oncology
nurse practitioner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve proved to be
resilient as a nursing student, a cancer mom, founder of a nonprofit
organization, and overcome whatever challenges come my way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: -.25in; text-indent: .75in;">
<i>My professional goal has always been to attend the UCSF School of Nursing,
known for dedication to the health care profession, serving the underserved and
vulnerable populations, rigorous curriculum in mastering core nursing
knowledge, and student support for success in the program.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am confident that the program will advance
my knowledge and skill to function as a highly competent pediatric nurse
practitioner in the field of oncology delivering quality health to infants,
children, and adolescents."</i></div>
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Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-20767778220538685242016-03-07T23:24:00.001-08:002016-03-07T23:30:33.188-08:00Restless in Seattle I know I've been absent from this blog for a while...a long while. I have to admit, just the thought of coming back here after being away for so long makes me break out into a cold sweat... and even makes me a little nauseated. There's not much more I can say that I haven't already said. But something inside me stirred this past weekend. <br />
<br />
Adam and I just attended the annual Firefighter Stairclimb. This is an amazing event done by the The Leukemia Lymphoma Society every year where firefighters across the world come to Seattle to climb 69 flights of stairs in the Columbus Tower .... all while wearing their heavy gear and breathing bottled air... face masks, helmets and all. This ads up to be about 60 pounds of total weight (not including their body weight ;-)). The first year we brought Gabriella and Bridget up and the last two years, the girls have stayed at home with grandparents while we've gone to show our camaraderie. We have consistently submitted honorees including our daughter but this year, we submitted a few more children to be honored..and remembered during the day's event. LLS posts pictures of these honorees in the stairway while the firefighters embark upon their climb....under 20 minutes for the faster ones and up to, sometimes more than an hour for the slower climbers.... all along encouraging the participants and reminding them that they have willingly chosen to climb in support of those who have not chosen this battle. It's a somber memory for each and every one of them as they make their way through the stairs. I am lucky enough (or unlucky...depends how you look at it) as a parent of an honoree to be escorted to the top and watch as these firefighters finish their climb. And I love being there to cheer Adam and his crew members on. <br />
<br />
LLS has a dedication wall so I made my way over to write our honorees on the wall. I started writing the names of the children we submitted to honor; Gabriella, Samantha, Tianna, Matthew, Lauren, Sofia....then I started to write down the names of the recent children we had come into contact with; Ava, Sofia, Luke, Massy, Giselle. Then I though, there are all of our inspirations on the Team G website so I continued to write their names down; Nick, Ben, Alex, Aurora, Ahmie, Brooke, Hadlie, Jake, Ginger, Charlie, Carter, Sammuel, Sage, Jalen and Breanna, Taliyah, Pablo, Mya.... And then I got exhausted just thinking of and trying to remember all these names. There were moments of just feeling overwhelmed and I did my best to take it all in. <br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSEG13gNh42R6MYJPXBlQTW53iusSwtS5MMfIw4YTfKtrPSgxi-0Hq5mzUob5yRrhNr4qWiCz7kau3QLedxc5spTe4CCUKnBXgrxtxJX0ZhllrmeKymmCutV7Db4Yrcg8tqEdHJ6Dwi28M/s1600/IMG_9260.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSEG13gNh42R6MYJPXBlQTW53iusSwtS5MMfIw4YTfKtrPSgxi-0Hq5mzUob5yRrhNr4qWiCz7kau3QLedxc5spTe4CCUKnBXgrxtxJX0ZhllrmeKymmCutV7Db4Yrcg8tqEdHJ6Dwi28M/s320/IMG_9260.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
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<br />
Leukemia has hit me especially hard this past few months when my good friend's daughter Samantha was diagnosed. Then another friend, and another acquaintance, another friend of a friend diagnosed all within days and months of each other. It feels like everyone around us is getting diagnosed with cancer...pediatric cancer...which was once so rare in my life. Even at work, one of the nurses said to me recently, "everyone has cancer". Yes, I feel this way too, even though that isn't the case. It is just our lives. I've done my best the last three years to "work through" some of the stress and the almost impossible journey that we traveled but I've realized I live so much in the present. It's joyous to be here. I have my two daughters, I have my families health. That's all I ever wanted. Do I have to relive the trauma which was taking my daughter and my family through treatment? A question that I still ponder and probably always will. <br />
<br />
Which brings me back to this blog... this damn blog...this life saving blog. I haven't yet been able to go back and read it. No way. Can't do it. I end up with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Sometimes I think I can even tell my story without having tears in my eyes. But I can't. Especially not this past weekend. And I have a survivor. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Always a highlight of our trip...meeting with Dr. Doug Hawkins,<br />
Seattle Children's Hospital and Children's Oncology Group.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
As many of you close to me know, I'm currently in a statistics class. Online. And it's not always fun. Most of the time, it sucks. I just applied for the pediatric nurse practitioner program at UCSF but I don't know if I've been accepted yet. Yes, I will specialize in pediatric oncology and I will continue my journey and mission to fight pediatric cancer, with everything that I have in me. I ask myself, why the hell am I doing this? I often think, I could easily slam the computer closed, throw my TI 83 Plus calculator in a drawer and just be done. Then I look at my children, all those precious children, the ones that have fought, the ones that haven't survived.... all of them. And I keep going. <br />
<br />
<br />Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-63053377616909773892015-08-13T14:50:00.001-07:002015-08-13T14:50:11.049-07:00And there it is....my answer.<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
It took me a while to write this post. <br />
<br />
Back during the month of June, some amazing friends pledged to participate in the Tahoe Tough Mudder and raise funds to fight childhood cancer. It. Was. Amazing. Not that I like getting down and dirty (but I really do) but a chance for a group of friends to come together for a cause more important than getting muddy, jumping into ice cold water and getting shocked...all for fun.</div>
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It was a chance to prove to ourselves that no matter how awful the pain is at that single moment, it's temporary. It's not like the "cure" that children fighting cancer (or any other illness for that matter) have to endure. It's voluntary. As our team mate said, "What's the worst that can happen?". Pain is temporary. <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It's something we can always overcome. </span> Cancer.....is not. We can win it and we can beat it but it never quite goes away. </div>
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For the last couple of weeks, I've been trying to answer the question, "Why do people have to do such crazy things in order to make a point? Why do we have to be extreme or partake in extraordinary activities to raise funds for kids fighting cancer?" I'm no extreme athlete but since Gabriella's been off treatment, I've been brainstorming for ideas to fundraise....Running the Big Sur marathon for charity, riding 50 miles on a bike, dancing around like a crazy person on the street in a cupcake outfit I crazily put together, even trying to spearhead (with the help of my crazy fundraising partner in crime, Bill) a 24 hour ride-a-thon. Sit on a stationary bike and petal for 24 hours....hmmm. I've even gone to the extent of applying for Survivor, tried to find a partner for Amazing Race (Adam, Alison, any other crazies out there...???), and debated applying for Naked and Afraid. Anyone seen that show? HA! 21 days of primal survivor with someone you've never met without food, water and clothes. How crazy is that? I'd promise to donate a portion of my winnings to the foundation for pediatric cancer research. That's how much I care. Is it just me and my preposterous ideas? Or does it really take that much for someone to raise funds for these kids that are fighting so hard for life. I don't get it.<br />
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The death of a child will always rock me to my core. Many times, I've watched these children bravely face their battle. You know when the end is near. You just don't want it to be true. Then there is that update. "My child has earned their wings". Those words never cease to hit me like a ton of bricks. Like a punch to the gut. <a href="x-apple-data-detectors://0" x-apple-data-detectors-result="0" x-apple-data-detectors-type="calendar-event" x-apple-data-detectors="true">Sunday morning</a> after our race, I read this same post about one of our warriors. </div>
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I often wonder if I will ever be in a state of mind where my guns aren't ready to be drawn. Where I won't feel like I have to keep fighting. I don't know. Is it just a moms sense of protection? Or is it being a cancer mom? The other night, I was putting the girls to sleep. The usual bedtime efforts and resistance pursues as I do my best to not get frustrated (and enjoy the moments....which I've proudly gotten better at...most nights). There's this moment of transition after all the tossing, turning, asking for snacks, and asking for water when they actually fall asleep. This same time my mind instantly recognized that they are finally asleep....and a peaceful surge rolls through my body. I let it take me but only for a moment. Then, I pull back. Back on track. Back to fighting. </div>
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This same things happen with the emotion of it all. An instant comes where I'd like to cry and I'd like to completely break down and feel what I'm feeling. But I push it away. During Gabriella's treatments, I got so tired of being scared, so tired of feeling weak and so very tired of crying. I have to be strong. I HAVE TO BE STRONG. </div>
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I read a blog post from another cancer parent the other day. He talked about dealing with the horror of it all after the fact. It's always treatment coming to an end when everyone thinks you are finished, done, "congratulations" are order...but it's not like that in the cancer world, especially when it comes to your child. <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">After things are quiet and treatment is over, it's almost scarier. You get a little lost and the focus of what was so simple (fight for your child's life) gradually gets mumbled and mustered again in the real world. Trying to get back to some type of reality...some type of normalcy. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Now, someone that I've crossed paths in my life only once had this to say, "I run to raise awareness for different causes. When you feel like the pain is no longer bearable with each step taken, I think of the children and the suffering and pain they endure through abuse, hunger, homeless, etc. Which is what pushes me through. I run because I know that I can make a difference through awareness."</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And there it is....my answer. We do it because we can. We do it because we have a choice. Those that fight illness....they don't have a choice. </span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Addition to this post: GABRIELLA'S SCANS ARE CLEAR!!!!!! 8/13/15</span></div>
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Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-60975717431323013402015-07-30T00:38:00.000-07:002015-07-30T00:56:42.326-07:00Overnight summer campHere I am again, sitting in front of a blank screen trying to figure out where the heck do I start. I know I need to write but its never easy. Life has a way of constantly changing. With those changes comes the challenge of adjusting. There have been so many times where I think to myself, "Great! I have it all figured out" just to turn around and have the next challenge knocking on my door. And here we go, trying to figure it out all over again. <br>
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Gabriella went to camp this week. Overnight camp. For 6 nights. And the camp is about 5 hours away. Do you hear my anxiety? I don't think I've been able to catch my breath just yet. I probably won't until she comes home. On Sunday. <br>
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I miss her terribly. I try not to think about the fact that her absence could have been our reality. Yes, that thought comes creeping in and just like a fly, I swat it away as quick as possible. But doing this isn't allowing me to work through these occasional feelings of sadness, the tears that I feel when hearing about a child's diagnosis or death, and the overcoming feeling of grief and inability to remember what we went through. I want to cry (and sometimes I do), I want to cry a lot, I want to grieve for that family but I've put up this enormous barricade in order to protect myself. Keep going. Keep moving forward. Keep running ahead of it. I was never like this before. I cried about everything. We were in it (treatment), I would often learn about other child; relapsing; dying. And I'd cry. I'd sob. I remember one day being in complete tears because another little one had relapsed, and I reached out to a "more experienced" cancer mom and asked her, "How do you do this? How can you make it through the day hearing about yet another child facing cancer." I realized then that I had to change in order to get through it. Put up a wall that would only be the tiniest bit penetrable for those dire moments. And the building commenced. <br>
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I've had the chance to reflect a little in G's absence. Going through Gabriella's treatments was one of the...no....change that....it was THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DEALT WITH. A few months ago, a newsletter was sent out asking parents to submit our child's story to create a book on children with cancer. Any chance I get to share G's story to those wanting to make a difference is a good opportunity to take. So I let them know I would write something and send it in figuring her story is written down in about 50 places and would be easy to find. But it wasn't that easy. It's been told in so many ways with so many evolutions. I had to write another one. Thinking this would be easy, I went back to the beginning of this blog to remember. I only made it through a couple of sentences before slamming the computer shut (gently of course). I can't do it yet. I can't go back to process it. Not yet, but I know I have to eventually. Shit, sometimes I don't even feel like we went through it. It's almost surreal because it was too real. Wait, it was real. <br>
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Since I'm that crazy kind of mom, I thought it would be fun to send some packages up for G so she could have little tastes of fun and little memories from home. It kept me busy so I wouldn't have to think about how much I would miss her, but it was also fun. I think I got carried away. <br>
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We finally did it. We finally cut G's little locks as she got her first post-treatment hair cut. Oh my. A big milestone in our lives. </span></div><div><br><div>My friend Angela offered to cut Gabriella's hair because she has been talking about getting a bob for a couple of months now. I try not to be the one to tell my kids what to do with their hair, except to make sure they brush it or I'd run around the house chasing them with a brush. But I asked her to wait till after her dance recital and wanted to make sure she was ready. Actually, I wanted to make sure I was ready as well. </div><div><br></div><div>After her treatment ended, her little sprigs on her bald head started growing into beautiful wavy blonde curls and she was able to start kindergarten with a little "pixie" do. So many times people would comment on how cute her haircut was and ask me if I frosted the ends. The thought process in my mind would always come up in the obsurdity that people thought I would take my 5 year old to a salon and have her hair colored...What? Are you kidding me? Do I look that vein? Then I would think to myself, "It's actually not a cut". </div><div><br></div><div>It would always stir up some emotion and I would think about how I was going to respond....should I tell them she had cancer? Do I feel like explaining the whole story to a stranger? Do I want to rock this persons world and tell them what my sweet little girl went through the past year? And depending on my mood, I'd either tell them it was from the sun and be done with it or I'd straight up tell them she had cancer, chemo, lost all her hair and now it's growing back. Some would be so shocked to hear this and not no what to say except "It's so pretty. Oh I have to pay for my highlights, haha". And I would think, yes, she payed dearly for those. </div><div><br></div><div>Not that I'm attached to hair or my children's hair but Gabriella loosing hers was such a pivotal moment in our journey. It was the moment where we though, "oh shit. This is really happening". And the moment we knew everyone else in the world would realize what our child was enduring. It's the commercial you see on TV with the little bald kid and a huge smile on their face asking for donations for children fighting cancer. You know, the one that no one wants to ever think about yet alone experience it first hand. Yeah, that was us. Somewhere back in the early part of this blog is a post about it. Her hair has gotten somewhat long before she was diagnosed and it was beautiful. Sometime after her first or second treatment, we went to visit friends who were staying at a local resort and took the girls swimming. We were in the hot tub and hair just kept coming out. I was trying to ball it up and push it to the side so the people near us wouldn't know what was happening. I'll never forget looking over at Adam and just knowing we were both feeling the punch in our guts. When we got home, I took some scissors and chopped it right at her shoulders. More and more continued to come out over the next few days and finally, it was coming out so much that I just continued to pull it until all the long strands were out. My heart just broke into a million pieces on the inside. But I didn't want my girls to know how upsetting it was so we made it "fun" and took a video. G just laughed and Bridgy, not even 2 at the time, picked up the whole wod of hair, realized she didn't like the way it felt, and threw it back on the ground trying to shake all the little pieces from her hands. The "hair fairy" came that night and left the girls a big basket of goodies. And yes, the hair fairy still comes to visit us whenever anyone in the house gets a hair cut...even Ellie the dog. </div></div><div><br></div><div>Ok, back to today. The girls and I had been looking at some picture of hair cuts and they both found a couple that they really liked. After telling me she was so ready to get a "bob like Laurel's", our neighbor friend, G had said a few days ago that she "wasn't ready yet". So, we looked at more pictures and got her all excited about it. She was ready. I was ready. I was actually more excited to not have to chase them around the house with a brush, especially my Bridgy. But she's getting hers cut tomorrow. Ange put her hair in two little pigtails and cut those babies off. Whew. A surge of emotion ran through me and tears crept into my eyes. I'm not sure if it was sadness for all that time she let it grow out and was loosing her little blonde "chemo curl" or happiness because we get a fresh start. I'm thinking it was a little of both but more the latter. Gabriella suddenly became this little lady, this beautiful little girl who overcame this horrible disease. I LOVE her hair and I am so proud of her! Thanks Ange!</div><div><br></div><div>Seriously, this is the most I've ever written about hair. Did I mention Ange cut mine too? And I love it. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcVAzhDfxcgrssQC60fzeJNWinMd4i5voQKSuu05RsjNQIriO9MbOCjjpQIrp74psNvhMQEfuf8ZBaYZorjR3O4792X2j7WgZFqZc6ibEejoXHhv5gyzV9BBokEpvZhizE14A6nuSNDei5/s640/blogger-image--1502429685.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcVAzhDfxcgrssQC60fzeJNWinMd4i5voQKSuu05RsjNQIriO9MbOCjjpQIrp74psNvhMQEfuf8ZBaYZorjR3O4792X2j7WgZFqZc6ibEejoXHhv5gyzV9BBokEpvZhizE14A6nuSNDei5/s640/blogger-image--1502429685.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhANrcYHHmQnJa0EpqPlyOm3omjAqoN0P_2weOKlRns-zmOEKLYmUdiPuk4vpr5bg3ePG-jNzuhL4NjhCL2X1fX2a3B3qyA2Z73VoEpk-TpxWJ0NnA4OQhMJrDWX2U9V46tHeNXd7OlIQjF/s640/blogger-image-1724866363.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhANrcYHHmQnJa0EpqPlyOm3omjAqoN0P_2weOKlRns-zmOEKLYmUdiPuk4vpr5bg3ePG-jNzuhL4NjhCL2X1fX2a3B3qyA2Z73VoEpk-TpxWJ0NnA4OQhMJrDWX2U9V46tHeNXd7OlIQjF/s640/blogger-image-1724866363.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0UqwEyNhm2viTnqQH4KFGj-9TZPu-GHjFD4DfullB4RehKwG0oIztbiyIHJ5nnkDc4rzYepqGcsicp3NC5g9ctgH_z9b9fmaQIK2eCgblQH3NEtQm2IAr-TRULNB4hAKVO2ywGaX-O4IP/s640/blogger-image--1737580376.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0UqwEyNhm2viTnqQH4KFGj-9TZPu-GHjFD4DfullB4RehKwG0oIztbiyIHJ5nnkDc4rzYepqGcsicp3NC5g9ctgH_z9b9fmaQIK2eCgblQH3NEtQm2IAr-TRULNB4hAKVO2ywGaX-O4IP/s640/blogger-image--1737580376.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIrcw91vOCMmIuvtRi_1XB-z7QtY626dyoZg9xVOyLg6TCfBVg8hoNIuQZZYE8neDDPidEGJHB_mXZNs2qLjs27vL6yxV4MihPG7NP6mx8Z0rljJqMyypnRIReT4XpQmU-L0I_9vTJBRqI/s640/blogger-image--1191831126.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIrcw91vOCMmIuvtRi_1XB-z7QtY626dyoZg9xVOyLg6TCfBVg8hoNIuQZZYE8neDDPidEGJHB_mXZNs2qLjs27vL6yxV4MihPG7NP6mx8Z0rljJqMyypnRIReT4XpQmU-L0I_9vTJBRqI/s640/blogger-image--1191831126.jpg"></a></div><br></div><br></div>Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-46014629644362789822015-06-08T16:40:00.002-07:002015-06-08T16:40:33.361-07:00My child didn't die of cancer.....I wrote this back in April. Never posted it. Not sure why. But here it is. <br />
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Yet, every day I think about the fight. I continue to fight because if I can spare just one mother the agony of hearing the words, "your child has cancer" I will continue to fight. It's not always easy. Often, I question my intentions and look at my own girls, asking myself, "why are you continuing to fight, why are you not spending every moment with them. But, that's just not possible nor is it healthy.<br />
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There are certain times where it just hits me...thoughts, guilt, happiness, grief....and I just have to update the blog. I know not many are out there and I'm hoping that more are following our Team G social media pages. So these writings are more for me, to get the thoughts out. <br />
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It's been a big adjustment going back to "normal" life. But it's not normal. We still have fears. We still have follow up scares and follow up scans. And the task for me is finding the balance of what my heart wants....to raise my girls and be with my family, to be a mom, to work, to do it all. Then there's the part that my other heart wants to follow....to fight for childhood cancer, to make it go away, to be a force to recon with. It's a constant battle between balancing life, love, commitment, hope and all of the above.<br />
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I read an article that my friend had posted the other day (yes on FB which has the tendency to suck one in....that definitely needs many checks and balances in order to be a "healthy" balance). It was one about being a mom and having young children...and the sacrifices we make as mothers but the joys that come from those sacrifices. It's interesting to look back on the generation of our parents...some of them were stay at home moms and others thought, "what the heck...I can have a career...and be a mom". We were taught to pursue life, pursue opportunity, to get degrees, and all of the above. This is what I teach my children on a daily basis...go get an education, don't settle for less, and go conquer the world....because we can. But, as the article I was reading described, no one tells you that those quests can possibly come at a cost. No one tells you that in order to be successful in business and work that other sacrifices will have to be made. I'm actually glad no one taught me this. I'm actually glad because I am having to learn it for myself. That's the key. To make the discoveries on your own. Then and only then will you know what works best for you and your family. </div>
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I still struggle constantly with these choices. I think for any mom that having another part of life separate from your children makes you....you. At the end of the day when I go to tuck my girls in, after all the "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" I hear most of the time that makes me want to pull my hair out by the end of the day (but that I appreciate and will always cherish), putting them to bed seeing the transition from "omg....please please go to bed" to "these children are so incredibly special and adorable"....there is no comparison. </div>
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Sometimes but very seldomly, I look back on the posts I've written, thinking to myself "who is this person?". It's me. It was me. Fighting my daughters cancer. Fighting for her life. It's not easy to read the posts I once wrote. Often I will start reading, then look away because it's too much. I'm not ready to go back there yet. I'm not ready to process it all. I'm to into the present and enjoy the moments that are here, now. Then I think, do I really need to re-live it all? I just did. I was just there and I'm really enjoying not being there. It felt like a lifetime ago. I'm not ready to go back. <br />
So, this is me. Staying busy. Staying on top of things. Staying ahead of those random moments of my anxiety and stress. Trying anyway. Hmmm, maybe it is good to process. </div>
Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-74282378055658785852015-06-08T16:32:00.002-07:002015-06-08T16:32:38.959-07:00Day #10 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood CancerApparently I suck at writing challenges J. So, back to the business of life! All is amazing in our life. Gabriella is reading like a champ and Bridget is getting ready for kindergarten! At this point, we are all getting ready for summer and that should be a blast. <br />
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I'll write more soon.Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-37503556883630110742015-04-19T00:56:00.001-07:002015-04-19T00:56:19.238-07:00Day #9 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood CancerThe other day I sat down to write and got interrupted. Then I tried again and ended up being too sleepy to write. Again I thought about it....and decided that I'd rather veg on the couch and check out. I've been thinking about what I'm going to write next because there's been so much going through my head this week. Then I realize it's just been a really long week. With scans on Monday, I can just write the rest of the week off. At least, that's my excuse. I think it's a pretty good one so I'll go with it. <br />
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I've been trying to direct my focus more these days. Knowing that I need to write (at least that's what I'm challenging myself to do) and hoping that some clarity will come through this writing process has driven me to prioritize. I realize that I just can't do it all. Wow, that's even hard to write. I thought I could and I wanted to. I've even tried. But I think that's what makes me so crazy, scattered, irritable....I just end up getting frustrated with myself. Huh, what a concept. My friends, my husband, my mom and everyone around me tell me I do too much. I just laugh at them and say "whatever" sarcastically. They know me too well. I do it because I can and I want to. Now, I'm realizing more and more that I can't...and I don't want to. I'm selling myself short because when life is this chaotic, I sell myself short on other aspects. <br />
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Just yesterday, I was with Bridget since she doesn't go to school on Friday mornings. After breakfast for her and coffee for me, I just wanted to get 30 minutes in of "emailing". I think that was the impossible mission for the day. "Mommy, look at this...Mommy what is this....mommy, how do you spell...Mommy.....help me get dressed.....". That 30 minutes never quite happened. I actually didn't get as frustrated as I sometimes would have and just embraced the moment. It can wait. It can all wait because what is more beautiful and special than witnessing my little 4 year old (almost 5) mentally preparing herself for kindergarten, going over numbers and letters and being so proud of herself for knowing. I thought, WOW. She is so ready. Heck, I'm ready too but in a different way. These moments are going to be few and far between, so I'll be damned if I'm going to let my own compulsion overcome my chance of just "being" with my girl. It doesn't happen often and most of the time the girls play really well together. But it will be in the blink of an eye when both of my girls are doing their own school work, off with friends and not want to be around mom and dad much anymore. (Well, most of the time, we're not going to give them too many of those options ;-))<br />
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So, I've decided. Instead of trying to do <i>everything at all moments of the day, </i>I'm going to "let it ride". Fundraising, work, organization, school (although that might come sooner than later), these things will all be there and ready for me when I'm ready for them. But my family and my girls won't always be. <br />
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I'm sure I'll find another crazy thing to do or try, but I'm hoping I can just experience it....not be compulsive over it, which I am well aware is my personality. <br />
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My baby G's own creation of a book of desserts. I just love it and am glowing with mamma pride. <br />
The sentence she wrote about herself is "The author once had cancer. She is a survivor now. <br />
How proud I am of both my girls. <br />
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Here's to Letting it Ride!<br />
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<br />Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-11414987713673048762015-04-12T23:30:00.003-07:002015-04-12T23:30:27.183-07:00Day #6 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood CancerGeezus. The one day I forget my sunglasses is the one day I find myself walking down the aisle of Nob Hill literally crying. I walked by a woman with little children of her own and I quickly looked away. If she only knew. If only there was a chance that I could protect her from knowing. Knowing that childhood cancer could strike her at any moment. I didn't want my girls to see me but Gabriella is so astute when it comes to reading people and I don't think I got away without her noticing. <br />
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We had just watched Cinderella in the movie theater. I needed a distraction away from home and the girls had really wanted to see this movie. Actually, I did as well. Damn Disney. They do it every time. Tears of happiness...for me, for G and I think a little for B as well. But that might be stretching it. Cinderella was the first princess movie that Gabriella saw and probably the only one she watched at least 50 times over, <i>at least</i>. So much of seeing this movie made me think about...well, made me think about her and how far she has come and how far we have all come. She has been growing up awfully fast these last few weeks (I'm sure it's been longer than that but it seems so recent). Some of the things that come out of her mouth just take me by surprise. I have a glimpse what life will be like in a couple of years and I'm getting myself prepared ;-). Sometimes I want to bust out laughing and her little grownup remarks but have to refrain myself. She is, in fact, my "sensitive one"...just like her mommy. Its a laugh of pride and an, "I'm so glad cancer didn't take her so I could witness these moments" kind of laugh. I don't think she will really understand that kind of laugh until she is a parent herself. <br />
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When we got back home, I noticed she was being a little quiet. I thought, "Oh crap. She saw me upset and is worried now. How do I ask her what she is worried about without putting fear in her about tomorrow?". So I just asked her if she was ok and what was worrying her. She told me she was worried about the shot thingy (the IV) that she has to get. Just as she has received an ungodly amount of shots in her little lifetime, I reminded her how brave and strong she truly was. In the movie, the key was to always be kind...and courageous. I reminded her that she was one of the bravest people I knew and not to forget that. Ever.<br />
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Just walking into the grocery store today after the movie, I had a moment where I was completely overwhelmed. Thinking about our journey with Gabriella up to this point is just overwhelming. And it all hit me at once. It's hard to even describe. The stress of scans, the awesome movie I just got to watch with my girls, or the emotion of it all. It, aka. LIFE, has come full circle from our dark chaotic days of diagnosis and treatment where the only positives lie in taking every moment we could to make it better. To the treatment ending and the fog clearing. Sort of. Right up until those moments when the torture of relapse brings us right back into the uncertainties of cancer. The moment of panic when our survivor has an ache in her stomach or a funny feeling in her leg. Believe it or not, that <i>has</i> gotten a little better. But it's still there. I sometimes look at her legs (as the doctors always do on her visits) and think, "Ok, is that a normal kid amount of bruising on her legs or is this something that is excessive, which could indicate leukemia, a possible side effect of her treatments".<br />
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I'm certain she is going to be just fine. But, this monster caught me off guard once and prepared me to be a fighter. I won't let it catch me off guard again. Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-50686484788128868782015-04-08T00:54:00.003-07:002015-04-15T01:06:33.521-07:00Day #8 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood
CancerI<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> knew it would be hard to get up early on Monday morning so I set my alarm with Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger" to get me going. The infamous video with all the little bald fighters was released shortly after G's diagnosis and it got us through some tough times. It's kinda like our "theme song". </span><br><div><div><br></div><div>As usual, everything ran smoothly. She even got her IV without so much as a whimper of pain. Kudos to our nurse Allen who we've seen at the satellite unit the last few times. But during the scan I had a moment of justified anxiety. We were stalled for a few minutes and "waiting for the doctors to look over the scans". It was just a little longer than the norm and the tech let me know they needed a few more pictures. Ugh. My mind started racing with thoughts of "f*ck, is this thing coming back, what is treatment going to be like, what's going to happen to my baby, will we have to move to another state for treatment or will we stay here....on and on and on". If you've ever had an MRI you know how n<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">oisy the machine can be. Clank...clank... clank.... click click click click click....drk, drk, drk..... But my thoughts got louder. </span></div><div>It's never a good sign when they take longer than normal (or at least what we perceive to be a normal exam with our preconceived time frames) and brought me right back to the initial ultrasound where I was told "I can't tell you that information" when asking is that normal size. Then waiting while the tech discussed with the radiologist the perceived results. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> The tech must've seen my anxiety (she was in the control room) and came out to let me know that she was pretty sure she overheard the doctors discussing Gabriella's scans looking</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> clear. Ok. That was good enough for me at that moment and my heightened state came back down within mageable perimeters. Whew, that was scary. We've had many scares along the way and that's just part of this life we live now. They are becoming few and far between, which I will gladly take. </span></div></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Adam and I both noticed the girls and their instant cheerful moods. They take so many cues from us as parents that it makes us more and more reinforced of our choice to see the positives through treatment. "Mom and dad are ok, I'm ok". They were off the wall happy yesterday evening after a long day at the hospital and the first day of being back at swim lessons. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I didn't want to hide my feelings from them on Sunday when I was so visibly upset. I just wanted to protect them from the worry we carry as parents. Sometimes that's very difficult to do, especially when you are someone like me who wears their heart on their sleeve. But it is what it is and I will always strive for doing my best. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Best part about the day:</span></div><div><a href="https://instagram.com/p/1cfzF7tzh_/">https://instagram.com/p/1cfzF7tzh_/</a></div>Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-68020830640254674402015-04-08T00:54:00.001-07:002015-04-14T08:57:04.224-07:00Day #7 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood
CancerClear scans. Clear clear scans. That's all for now. Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-6327339263904530772015-04-08T00:53:00.006-07:002015-04-12T09:34:00.452-07:00Day #5 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood
CancerI think scans are hard no matter how far out from treatment you are. I find myself in a state of crazy cleaning, staying up late, trying to satisfy late night cravings more readily than normal and wondering around the house trying to find something more to keep me distracted and keep my mind occupied. It's a good thing I don't keep more sweets around the house especially around now. There is definitely some stress eating going on although my business keeps me preoccupied. <div><br></div><div>The girls and I have been planning on building a fairy garden for a couple of months now. Finally today, after a cleaning rampage through the girls drawers and closets, power washing the outside walkways, realizing why not power wash the side of the house around my new planted garden area then power wash the front entry way of the house until my husband shuts the washer off, we finally got to the fairy garden. They had a definite sense of pride after picking the best spots for the flowers, especially Bridget. Digging, filling soil, bringing it all together was fantastic. Then the OCD kicked in. I had that great idea that was found while skimming through Pinterest and I got stuck on it. Even Gabriella drew out a picture of a fairy house "on stilts" with a "lower deck". So, I sawed, I got the nails out, the hammer, the saw, the drill, the extra pieces of wood and tried to put that thing together just as we both thought it <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">"should" be. The girls lost interest and I ended up getting so frustrated with myself. How do I describe it...when one is so caught up in their mind that the aren't even present anymore. This is me. I have this tendency to get so wrapped up and absorbed into something that it takes all of my "presence" away. Not sure if it's Gabriella's scans coming up, which I have to believe is part of the reason, or because my mind is still trying to sort itself out...or what. It is so frustrating. I can't just do something. It has to be insanely done, if it's up to Kristin. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQK_rja0Bn_bJr0ZQPMVxqmuUNdkV-iFDffgzbWLJP6_IcP7wdtLHTGpCMPE3Dn-PGaE9rtAVOy5Z5A18Z-DcSiUEkMZgrtSRmPuHARsQAQyv3zbedxeDvn28PAKnUxXNZvTcsQaU50WEE/s640/blogger-image--1204299700.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQK_rja0Bn_bJr0ZQPMVxqmuUNdkV-iFDffgzbWLJP6_IcP7wdtLHTGpCMPE3Dn-PGaE9rtAVOy5Z5A18Z-DcSiUEkMZgrtSRmPuHARsQAQyv3zbedxeDvn28PAKnUxXNZvTcsQaU50WEE/s640/blogger-image--1204299700.jpg"></a></div><br></span></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">We ended up with a garden that looked beautiful and that we would work on further. I pulled myself out of my mind, cleaned up, tried not to be irritated with myself which of course comes out in irritation with my family, packed up and we all went to the beach. We spend the afternoon with great cancer parents and their two little girls who one is currently fighting cancer. The weather was perfect and the girls got to play on the beach while we watched the whales and took the polar bear plunge. Brrr. Wine, pizza, beach, great friends....couldn't ask for more. </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I'll tell you this, being a cancer mom was almost simpler than being a post cancer mom. Our mission was so clear back then. Fight cancer. That's it. Fight Gabriella's cancer with everything we had. And we did. Now, the lines become blurred. Do I work more or should I work less...should I work at all? Should I just stay at home and raise my survivor and sib as normally as I can? </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Should I continue to put as great of an effort into fighting child cancer even though there are so many more foundations doing an amazing job who have that emotional need since their child died from cancer...since it takes me away from being "present" with my own family. And then there is graduate school. A combination of me going into a field with great financial rewards, with the potential of some medical practice independence, a larger salary, and a combination of helping helping friends with their basic questions about their kids and assist these children and families through the most difficult times of their lives. I can't wait to be that person but I must find the balance. </span></div><div><br></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div>Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-71031895396962466802015-04-08T00:53:00.004-07:002015-04-11T00:35:42.614-07:00Day #4 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood
CancerSomehow, I lost all of my content today. What I wrote earlier didn't save and it's too late to rewrite. Damn. The woes of technology. I'll write more tomorrow. <div>For now, here's something I wrote back in January but never posted. </div><div><br></div><div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Even though it wasn't that long ago, it was such a different time in my life. Sometimes it almost doesn't feel like it happened. Especially when I look at my girl. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. Of course I still want to be relentless and inspiring! That is something I never want to loose especially when I have seen the damage that cancer has on children and families. But I do want to experience being a "normal mom". It's all about finding a balance right? I'm almost waiting for the day my girl says "I'm tired of being the cancer kid mom"....lol! Yes, it is so easy to enjoy the simple things. That is really something I never want to forget." </span></div></div>Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-14226129165115734442015-04-08T00:53:00.002-07:002015-04-09T23:23:34.517-07:00Day #3 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood
CancerWow, 30 days of writing is no joke. I guess that's why they call it a challenge. <div>I'll try to get this out before I fall asleep. More processing today. Is there a day that goes by where someone doesn't process their lives...or is it just anal retentive overly OCD people like myself? Believe me, I'm working on that. </div><div><br></div><div>I got to go for a long run with a new and becoming close friend of mine today. It's always so helpful to hear another working moms perspective on work and kids. Although I'm barely a working mom, I still consider myself to be a "part time" working mom (maybe a "less than part time working mom" would be more like it) with the actual job where I get paid and the job where my passion currently lies. Not to mention all the mommy duties that we all share as moms. Seriously, I have no idea how a full time working mom does it all. How do you do it all? To spend quality time with the family as a whole, the kids, the husband, the house and everything that goes along with that....it's no wonder why moms barely have any "me" time. Yet, when there is "me" time, there is sometimes so much guilt that goes along with it and make up time for the messes you come home to that's it's barely worth it. But, yeah it's still worth it. Anyway, I'm believing again in that strong word I use so often....it's called "balance". I don't know how to quite get there but I will always strive to somehow get close to it. </div><div><br></div><div>Adam and I got to spend a wonderful evening dining and talking about our next steps into the future...what the foundation will look like, what school will look like, and what our family will look like. Although you never quite know what things will look like until you actually get there. Even then, it can change drastically. You just have to keep working at it. </div>Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-66056294750811547232015-04-08T00:52:00.003-07:002015-04-09T01:01:56.579-07:00Day #2 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood
Cancer<div>I was called in to work early today and decided to stay for 12 hours. I don't remember the last time I worked a 12 hour shift even though it's pretty common among nurses these days. Apparently I'm not a common nurse...but I already knew that. I think the last time I worked that long was before Bridget was born. </div><div><br></div><div>Although, 12 hours did take a majority of the day, I did get a chance to think about my future plans with work and my career. I even got to process it a little in my dreams early this morning when I should've been getting up earlier and waking up my daughter for school. I'm such a bad mom when it comes to getting up early but I knew that too. I realized after waking up to my dream I really do enjoy my career as a nurse. </div><div><br></div><div>I got to process my plans for the future and start actually realizing that going back to nurse practitioner school is more and more of a reality rather than a far-fetched dream that I once gave up. I've been wanting to continue with a masters degree ever since I graduated from nursing school....15 years ago. That was always my plan but life happened, marriage happened, children happened, cancer happened...you get the picture right? I always admired pediatric oncology nurses and wondered how the hell they can do their job day after day. I only new a few before this journey and I always admired their chosen specialty. I really admired the pediatric nurse practitioners we met among our journey as well. Adam said to me once. "That should be you". It never even crossed my mind to work in this area. Then cancer happen to us. Obviously I can never look at it the same way and now I want to be one of those special souls that takes care of these kids on a daily basis. </div><div><br></div><div>Of course the obstacles and the hurdles make the decision that much more difficult. The time (and timing although I've learned there's never a good time for any of it), the money, the ability to get a job when I'm done, time away from my family...it's all playing a big role in this decision process. </div><div><br></div><div>It brings up another huge question in my mind...the foundation we started to fight childhood cancer. I constantly have to remind myself that we are doing a good thing. I love it even more when other remind me of this. But I <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">often question my capabilities for continuation and if there are other ways I can best benefit the childhood cancer community. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">After all, I'm just a passionate mom who's daughter survived childhood cancer. </span></div><div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I didn't get a degree in non-profits. I didn't get a degree in marketing or business management. And that is the basics of what it takes to run a foundation....that is, when the emotional crisis is over. Maybe I went about it all wrong. Maybe I started the organization under the wrong assumptions. </span></div><div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></div></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Let's be honest. The immediate need is gone. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The crowds have dwindled and they have left the stadium. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Gabriella is healed and it is perceived that the fight is over. But it's not. It's not for us and it is especially not for the 46 children who were diagnosed today with cancer. It's about them. I don't know how to get that point across anymore besides giving every single ounce of me 100 times more. And I can't do that. It's not balanced. It takes away from my life with my family. It takes away from time with my Survivor....the one life I fought so hard to keep. </span></div><div><br></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I see other families who've started foundations and the need is there. They are kicking ass in the fundraising arena. And I love seeing it. Love seeing the money go to research and to the immediate needs of families. Yes, of course I wanted to be the one who played a bigger role, but these kids are worth way more than my pride. I will take my Survivor and run. </span></div>Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-89928417041419223742015-04-08T00:51:00.001-07:002015-04-08T00:51:33.223-07:00Day #1 - 30 Day Writing Challenge.....Life after Surviving Childhood CancerI've been debating the challenge of this writing experiment for days now. The battle in my mind is going on like a war zone and I can't stand it anymore. I was debating whether I wanted to make myself vulnerable again. Debated whether I wanted to possibly be judged. But I'm putting all of that aside. I'm going to do what I know how to do best....write. I think the breaking point for me was today's visit to the doctor with Bridget. It took me right back to the day that I first discovered Gabriella's tumor, although I didn't know it was cancer at the time. <br />
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After G's treatments were finished, we wanted to "start over" in the world of our daughters' pediatricians. Find a new doctor....try to recreate memories of good visits at the pediatrician...just get away from the beginning of our journey through (essentially) hell. We were finished with the treatments at Packard and needed a doc for regular check-ups. As it was, we somewhat neglected Bridget's visits for her "well child" check ups as we were so bombarded with doctors, hospitals, appointments, and all that just one more appointment might have put us over the edge and we knew Bridget was pretty healthy. With a mom who sometimes thinks she's a doctor, not via degree but via years of experience and an otoscope and stethoscope in hand and a dad who is a paramedic, we had the basic needs covered. We found Dr. Walker through a friend and started to see her in Capitola. Yes, a fresh start. It was good. Relieving. Just about two years into our visits, she let us know that she would be starting up at PAMF...where our journey began. It was a very hard decision to return there but we knew how great of a doctor she was and wanted to continue with her. <br />
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I didn't realize how hard today would hit me. Driving up to the clinic for an actual appointment started giving me this uncomfortable feeling. It was like something bad was going to happen. I honestly can't remember going there since the whole diagnosis happened but today was different. Bridget and I walked into the clinic, checked in and waited a few minutes while being entertained by a young mom trying to put her very young misbehaving 2 year old on a time out while her baby was crawling around on the floor. I did't envy her position. I was never a great mom with little babies but somehow we all managed to survive. Once we got called back, I started feeling more anxious remembering the last time we were there was the day after I noticed Gabriella's mass for an appointment. As we were walking down the hall, I thought to myself, "oh god, please don't put us in the same room" and what do you know, we ended up in the same damn room. I remembered the walls, the little shelf of books on the floor in the same position, the bulletin board of christmas cards to the left of the exam table where G sat and the two chairs to the left where my mom sat with Bridget, only 20 months old. Anxiety continued to creep through my skin and I had to hold back tears. I didn't want Bridget to know how I was feeling because this visit was about her and her big stepping stone in life getting ready to start kindergarten. So I had to compose myself as best I could. And that I did. Dr. Walker walked in and it was like a fresh start. Bridget was amazing. Truly amazing and I'm so proud of the little lady she's becoming. Then I just had to mention to Dr. Walker that this was the original room we were in. She shares the same exam room as our previous pediatrician. Go figure. She was very understanding and is so compassionate about the situation. That is why we followed her back to PAMF. Back to the place where our terrifying journey all started. <br />
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Part of the reason it is so difficult is that I haven't gone back "there". Wherever "there" is, I have been afraid to go back there. It's too close still. Too painful. And I have a survivor. I will never pretend to even grasp the pain that a grieving parent has. I have my daughter (both of them) to relish in every minute of the "now". Maybe I am just trying to grasp all of what is now and what is normal but I still don't think I'll ever know what that word means. Every once in a while, I will glance at it to read a paragraph of this blog and think to myself, "did I really write this?". The words are so pronounced and the writing is so impassioned. I don't recognize it to be my own. To read it is to relive it. And I'm not ready to do that yet. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">January 24th, 2012. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Today</td></tr>
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Gabriella's scans are coming up next Monday. I'm not as anxious as I used to be...or am I. Maybe I'm trying to hold my anxiety back. But in my mind, its totally not working. I'm all over the place. It's again, like there is a war in my head. She'll be fine. Then she tells me before bed the other night that she "feels like there's something in her stomach and it's hard to take a deep breath". Whoa child. You can't say these kinds of things to mommy right before scan time. I'm frantic in my head feeling her stomach at the same time trying to get more information from her as I calmly reassure her that we have scans next Monday and we will be able to see anything on the inside that shouldn't be there. Ugh.<br />
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<br />Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-67349374558126876102015-02-22T00:40:00.001-08:002015-03-11T15:40:26.418-07:00PassionOk, it's March and this post is now a month overdue. I've been meaning to write for weeks now but as soon as my "January gloom" wears off I'm back at it again. But this is good. It's different. It's a good different. I can breathe. I can relax a little bit more. I can do a better job of balancing my time between my family, my work, the foundation and everything else. <div>It feels great. </div><div><br></div><div> </div><div>What is it about January? Is there such a thing called "post holiday blues"? <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The same thing seems to happen every January.</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> After the holidays, birthdays, and all the events, it all seems to comes crashing down, momentarily of course. I always think I'm going to "relax" in January....but I don't think I know how to do that without feeling like I'm not doing enough. As soon as February rolls around, the gloom wears off and life starts happening again. </span></div><div><br></div><div>For those of you who know me well, know that I can be up-and-down with my feelings between wanting to be "normal speed" and "super speed" (for lack of a better way to describe it). For those who read my blog every so often, or the ones I happen to vent to on a "normal speed" day, there's always those times when all I want is to just be. And those days I'll write about it. I'm always going to have my days where I don't want to do this anymore. We all have those days. But the fact will always remain... this is my passion and passion is not something you can lose easily. It's passion for my kids that drives me to be a better mom. It's passion for my husband that drives me to be a better wife. And it's passion for children fighting cancer that drives me to continue this mission. </div><div><br></div><div>As I've mentioned before it's a balancing act every day every week even every hour. We must find those things in life that we are passionate about and use those to guide us and drive us we also have to find a healthy balance. Isn't that what life is about? So much of my work as a critical care nurse is also about balance. Balancing fluids, balancing medications, balancing the function of the body. I realized I can apply this theory to all realms of life and thing will turn out pretty darn good. </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAzlYs_1noL9D-e3ZUGS67u145vhhEItwX1GLg8C45QTB6sqPKBbdNOH3g9uwVhDaEE4NULG4ARn09Jl-HioWbRwGxoQ_vB7c0-iiym1NsLC3zKtvY4YHIPQmBupgVmpNg7wpBD6u6D0Rj/s640/blogger-image--3263569.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAzlYs_1noL9D-e3ZUGS67u145vhhEItwX1GLg8C45QTB6sqPKBbdNOH3g9uwVhDaEE4NULG4ARn09Jl-HioWbRwGxoQ_vB7c0-iiym1NsLC3zKtvY4YHIPQmBupgVmpNg7wpBD6u6D0Rj/s640/blogger-image--3263569.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>The girls are just amazing. They're doing so well in school, their activities and life in general. At Gabriella's first parent teacher conference for first grade, it was the week of our most recent scans in December. Needless to say it was a long restless week. Gabriella's teachers reported that she was doing so well in school that it brought tears to my eyes. And more tears and more tears. And they were happy tears. Tears of joy that my little girl has overcome so much such a short period of time. And all things that were revealed that week brought pure joy at that moment. Even thinking about it now makes my eyes well up. I'm always saying how it takes me a lot to cry these days but there's a difference between a sad cry and a joyous cry. These days joyous cries are easy to come by… And that is good. </div><div><br></div><div>Bridget is an amazing little beauty herself. I thought Adam was the stubborn one in the family. Then I met Bridget when she turned 3 years old. Watch out world. This little strong minded soul has an agenda and timeframe all her own. Strong-willed, kindhearted, and very independent are the keywords that describe my Bridget. No matter how much she challenges me in everyday life, I<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> wouldn't change her for anything. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">We just returned from a trip to Seattle and before that, a huge donation was made to Lucile Packard for T Cell immunotherapy in honor of our warrior Sofia! It feels so amazing to know that every dollar we raise goes to kickin' cancer's ass! And that feels incredible! I'll write more about it later. </span></div>Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-88499404803124127872015-01-16T00:09:00.001-08:002015-01-16T11:15:05.181-08:00Losing "her"<span style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Different. Things are different. Life is different. That person that I was not even two years ago. She's slipping out of my hands. She's starting to blend back into society. Starting to worry about what everyone thinks and worry about things that used to not matter. That person that made me so strong. The person that gave me the strength to move ten thousand cars at one time....where is she going? The writing came from such a magnificent place. A place where I never have gone before and a place that made me feel so vulnerable. I'm having trouble getting there again. I can't seem to find the right words or the right thoughts to straighten myself out. But I'm not sure I want to go there again. </span><br><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">I am happy, so happy that I experienced this person I could be. I only wish it could have come about in another way. But I feel as if every day that goes by, she starts drifting further and further away. What was it? What was the power I felt when Gabriella was going through treatment that I don't feel now? It's an incredible strength you find when all that matters is saving that little life you created. Nothing else mattered. Nothing. I didn't care about what they said, didn't care about breaking the rules, didn't care about being anything but what I was....a fighter; a fighter for my daughter. It was so freeing. It focused me into being someone with one goal. The most important goal of my life. Nothing else mattered. </div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Now, life is changing. Life has changed. It's been almost two years. I am tired. I don't have the adrenaline or the anxiety that pushed me so incredibly hard through a year of madness. I'm drifting away from it. And I don't want to. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up my daughters health or happiness for anything. It's me. I was fighting a war and nothing else mattered but winning that war. Now, I'm here continuing to fight with half the energy I had then. </div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">During Gabriella's treatment, I met so many children. So many kids fighting cancer that touched my life and affected me like I never knew they could. I followed their stories on social media, I messaged the parents, we kept in contact and I'd know every important moment in their lives. We would celebrate the highs and share tears in the lows. Now... I can't keep up. There are too many god damned stories to follow. I don't have that kind of bandwidth. I thought I did. Maybe I'm just realizing now that I'm only human. I struggle with it. I struggle that I can't be there and be that person I was. I struggle that my life has been sucked into this world of pediatric cancer that has now completely overwhelmed me.....and I feel like I HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING. But I'm tired. Maybe it's just today because I'm sure tomorrow I'll jump right back into it.</div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">It's been a constant stream of viruses this season. One sickness after another. That will wear one down and I am worn down. I used the be the kind of mom that when my kids would get sick, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I wasn't the kind of mom that took their temperature every 5 minutes or lost a lot of sleep over colds. (I had babies and I was already loosing sleep.) If they were warm, I'd feel their head and give them Tylenol. If they had a cough, I'd turn the humidifier on and that was that. </div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">These days when Gabriella gets sick, I can feel every fiber of my being fighting that constant state of panic and anxiety we were in through treatment. I have to talk myself down every time I see her uncomfortable. It triggers. It triggers everything. Adam and I have those moments when we look at each other and I can tell he's feeling it too. Just a moment of an exchanged reassurance and we move on to clean up whatever vomit is on the ground, start a breathing treatment or give meds for a fever. I know he realizes where it's coming from as well. </div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">I'm a restless soul. And when I can't keep up with it or give myself a moment to stop, I get frustrated, sometimes sad. </div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Life is full of change. Any mom will know you will experience so much through motherhood. </div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Even through pediatric cancer, there are times where a mom must embrace them, grow and be inspired through them all. </div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Be inspired. </div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;"><br></div><div style="color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961); font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 21px; -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0980392); text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Kristin </div>Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-82031316010674381412014-10-12T00:23:00.001-07:002014-10-12T00:24:14.256-07:00Out of the fogCrap...I realized I haven't posted since Gabriella's scans back in August. ALL IS CLEAR!!! All is well, very well! I'm sure many of you who I'm friends with on Facebook heard the great news. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8uDcr21AxSFEIUJ6ySMFmo7C3bDypXBfoV0Qeg2wg7dft7etqSBspePXiVhipfeuXTwn7VsZghoUM6uWvMGxfNjUZMf-CJeAzBKRL3D2kMwKIqrC0bNaCMVm1FRZKjT2_BjoTh1fYSZLV/s1600/IMG_2453.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8uDcr21AxSFEIUJ6ySMFmo7C3bDypXBfoV0Qeg2wg7dft7etqSBspePXiVhipfeuXTwn7VsZghoUM6uWvMGxfNjUZMf-CJeAzBKRL3D2kMwKIqrC0bNaCMVm1FRZKjT2_BjoTh1fYSZLV/s1600/IMG_2453.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is probably my most favorite picture to this day! </td></tr>
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And off we go again, to celebrate clear scans and try to live a normal life. A normal life. What the heck is that? I really don't know. I guess we will never know. Not sure I was ever "normal" before all of this but whatever. I love my life. I love our life. I have always been one to push the boundaries. And I fell in love with someone who does exactly what I do...push the boundaries. <br />
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It's interesting coming out of this "fog" that we had been in the last few years. Strange really. When we were in the midst of Gabriella's treatment, I had one thing on my mind. And that was my family. Getting my family through this and getting my G through this. I met so many people and experienced so much...all while my head was in a fog and a smile on my face. It was the only way I could get through it all. Just to smile and start living moment to moment, making sure my girls were ok. I realize this past year and 1/2, I've been meeting those people again (that I met when I was in a fog) and really struggling to remember how I knew them, where I met them, and what their names were. It's really an awful feeling especially when knowing so many of these people supported us through our journey. I never took it for granted. Can I blame it on "cancer mom's brain"? It's a little like pregnancy brain but totally different. Just living in a daze in the worst possible way because your child is sick, really sick. But it slowly comes back...I'm starting to remember it all. <br />
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It's also like living on this island where you don't really have the proper social protocols. Everyone gives you a "free pass" to do whatever...because you have a sick child. You can say whatever you want, act how you want "because your child has cancer", and do it all without being judged. You can totally ignore normal social norms because you can always use the excuse, "my child has cancer" and it seemed to make any action ok. Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I'm just feeling the need to analyze all of it as we sink our way back into reality. So... I do remember the time when we took Gabriella to a Disney on Ice show. I was blocking a parking spot up close because Adam was bringing the girls a little later. People got pretty upset at me for blocking the space. But at that time, we were in the midst of treatment and I was at the point where I just wanted to scream at someone (for everything). And I really didn't care if they were upset. I was saving that spot for my family, and my G who I didn't want walking through the whole parking lot because she was sick, bald and not feeling great. A family came up and got pretty pushy about taking the spot I was standing in and kept creeping forward despite the fact I was standing there. Yeah, I got pissed. I couldn't believe how pissed I got (mind you it wasn't just the spot but obviously the whole hell that we had to put G through to save her). My blood was boiling. So, I unleashed on the couple. Letting them know what hell we were going through and how my daughter was sick, fighting cancer, etc. etc. Oh yeah, they heard me loud and clear, ended up apologizing and parking somewhere else. Figures that Adam parked in a different spot and the girls had to walk anyway. I know now (and then) that I was hurting. I was in pain and they were just in the wrong spot at the wrong time. So, if you're out there somewhere, I'm sorry I yelled at you. <br />
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I also wonder sometimes, am I an ok friend? Am I listening to my friends and asking them about <i>their</i> lives? For so long, people asked about our lives and wouldn't talk about their lives because no one wanted to burden us with their "small" stuff. I felt bad. I feel selfish sometimes. I want to know about my friends lives and not just talk about our life. They are my friends and I cherish the friendships that I have. I'm having to readjust from being a cancer mom, to leading more of a normal life. So, if you're my friend and I talk to much about my life, please tell me. I promise it won't hurt my feelings ;-). I'm just trying to adjust and settle out of the fog and back here on our planet. <br />
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As for the rest of life, I really can't believe how far we have come. Life is fantastic. Our family and friends are fantastic. School, work, home....all fantastic. Do I totally have a distorted view on life? Maybe but I'm loving every moment. Even the moments where I am so annoyed with my girls at the end of the day and I just want to drink a glass of wine. Because that's pretty normal, right? <br />
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I have a chance now to make a difference, if even a small difference in the lives of someone, anyone going through this terrible disease. And I get a chance to show my daughters, both of them, what it really means to care, hope and love without boundaries.<br />
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<br />Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-18604653546485989882014-08-12T00:26:00.001-07:002014-08-12T00:32:44.037-07:00HauntingI don't know why I'm here. I don't know I am still writing. Cancer is taken so much of me yet here I am. Still writing, still feeling it, still fighting it. But I need an outlet and this is it. I could actually not post what I'm saying but what good would that do. After all this is a journal about life, about struggles and about getting through them. <div><br><div>Tonight I went to work and I was put in the position of being charge nurse. It's silly how much it overwhelmed me because I played this role in the emergency department 14 years ago as a new grad-fresh out of nursing school. I guess it's a part of our life now, post stress, post traumatic stress?, and feeling the anxiety all over again. At least scans are now every four months and not every three. But it doesn't make it any easier. It's taking me a least a few hours to try to catch my breath, again, but it's still not back. I don't know how many times I can write "I'm anxious, "I can't catch my breath", "what if" before I get tired of hearing it myself. Over and over and over again. </div><div><br></div><div>Maybe I'm too involved. Maybe I read too many blogs and posts. Maybe I need to walk away and just try to live a normal life. I often ponder this idea but then ask myself "Can I really let this (childhood cancer) go on, knowing what I know, and not do anything about it?" And the answer is No. I'm in to deep. I know too much. I wish I could but I can't. I wish it was that easy. </div><div><br></div><div>Working constantly on our foundation haunts me... But childhood cancer haunts me more. It's exhausting, everything about it is exhausting and I often think can one little me make a difference? And at what cost? I don't know. But at least I have to try. Which always brings me back to that one little word... BALANCE. Oh do I try. Oh boy do I try. </div><div><br></div><div>Scans are in two days; Thursday. I'm pretty sure everything will be fine. But I'm not going to let cancer catch me off guard again. <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDZtv3n3mW3e9gwc6LItYm4NhrIjwrkiM1KbTcWUPBcXtdkVVsDyh8HgGu0-lkozPSDeAMSYnit3FcHmMEnHHMntSb6bKPLuywJlFpz2Yh527Odh09HjvWUzOXarkkiafaBwy9jPb3j9iv/s640/blogger-image--1847065808.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDZtv3n3mW3e9gwc6LItYm4NhrIjwrkiM1KbTcWUPBcXtdkVVsDyh8HgGu0-lkozPSDeAMSYnit3FcHmMEnHHMntSb6bKPLuywJlFpz2Yh527Odh09HjvWUzOXarkkiafaBwy9jPb3j9iv/s640/blogger-image--1847065808.jpg"></a></div></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW5pkZcY9jTYNeM7wHcEFvsaPqNb4E3j02YpDwRYEiMeht1Y1xR0Kzk1u0gfiQWu7Id_F2KyIGK2IbhasFBOzZqPosTIEDYrjw0McyN094CWT3HQPCYpb9DjHKtKW1oo4bAa0tm_zIg1J0/s640/blogger-image--2074162077.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiW5pkZcY9jTYNeM7wHcEFvsaPqNb4E3j02YpDwRYEiMeht1Y1xR0Kzk1u0gfiQWu7Id_F2KyIGK2IbhasFBOzZqPosTIEDYrjw0McyN094CWT3HQPCYpb9DjHKtKW1oo4bAa0tm_zIg1J0/s640/blogger-image--2074162077.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-32859068148346828012014-07-29T01:59:00.002-07:002014-07-29T02:05:13.202-07:00I'm anxious as hell...oh yeah...scans coming up I'm sitting here eating ice cream with crushed Oreo's, trying to check out with my cheesy Bachelorette show (yes, I'm admitting it...something I can watch and not really pay attention to) and attempting very hard to ignore this agonizing gut twisting feeling in my gut. And I've been trying all day to figure out what's going on. It's the difficult to catch my breath....kind of like every time something anxiety producing comes up. Then I figure it out. Crap, we have scans coming up in about 2 weeks. It's been 3 1/2 months since our last scans. For the last year, we would have known by now that Gabriella was still cancer free. Every 3 months since treatment ended, we would go through our week (or longer) of "scanxiety", which ended up getting shorter and shorter as we got further away from the end of treatment. The day before was often the worst even though we had the best hopes that everything was clear. Just taking her through the process is mentally exhausting. Then the moments before the doctor came in the exam room as we waited with bated breath....waited to hear those three words....just three words that could destroy us or exhilarate us..... until the words left the doctors mouth, "scans are normal". Then the sighs of relief and the feeling we could start living again. <br />
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Protocol for follow up tests after cancer treatment says that Gabriella needed scans every 3 months for the first year. This was the highest likelihood of a recurrence....this year and the 2nd year, which we are in. For the next two years, scans are now taken ever 4 months...not 3. This is the first time we have gone this long without scans. I haven't felt this way in a while...anxious...short of breath. Once you've been trough a routine, a routine from hell, you start to know what to expect. At least what you want to expect. My mind is expecting the reassurance of our 3 month "clear" scans and I don't have it.<br />
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This summer has been amazing. I have seen my girls grow up in so many ways in just a few months. We've gone on a few amazing trips and they've been delightful. No doubt we've had our moments...the normal parenting moments...but I wouldn't change it for anything. It's been normal. It's been better than normal. I don't want to miss a moment.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gabriella with her buddy Campbell.</td></tr>
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I have a picture of the girls on my computer screen. I make sure to keep it manageable, making sure the things I have going on (aka..the files that pile up on my desktop) don't cover their adorable faces. Once these "things" start creeping in, I have to reassess, clean up and prioritize again...making sure I still see all of them. This is how I manage my life with my girls, my family, my life around the organization, work, the events, and all that's going on. I make sure it's doable and when I can see their little faces starting back at me, I'm reminded why I'm here...why I'm doing all of this in the first place. <br />
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Today was an especially overwhelming day. G has been in the Little Guard program at Capitola beach and we are having a fantastic time. It's bringing me back to my childhood and the nervousness I had before our water excursions. I had to drop her off right in front of the beach entrance because there wasn't enough time to park. She got her big blue bag (my old marathon bag that she could actually fit in) and lugged it over her shoulder. She had her little pig tails, her blue Tola shirt and sweat pants on as she made her way to the beach. I stood right outside the car and watched my little warrior stroll down to the beach...just like a big girl and it took my breath away. My big girl. She's been through so much and here she is. Just a little peanut among the big kids; full of confidence and hesitation at the same time. I wish I had a picture of it...but it's something that will be forever engrained in my memory. I shared this with a friend about it later that morning and I could feel my eyes well up...with pride and gratitude. </div>
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I hope we always have moments like these. </div>
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<br />Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-34673669572575994012014-07-15T23:27:00.000-07:002014-07-15T23:27:17.177-07:00Team G's Donation to Research!!!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a data-mce-href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/DSC023621.jpg" href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/DSC023621.jpg" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 1.625; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="DSC02362" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-2246" data-mce-src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/DSC023621-300x200.jpg" height="200" src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/DSC023621-300x200.jpg" style="background-color: #eeeeee; border: 1px solid rgb(187, 187, 187); clear: both; color: inherit; display: block; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; height: auto; line-height: 1.625; margin-bottom: 1.625em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; max-width: 97.5%; padding: 6px;" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;">"Our girls Super Sib Leilani, Survivor Gabriella and </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;">Super Sib Bridget signing one of the checks"<br /></span></td></tr>
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<i style="color: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">“It’s here. It’s finally here. The day I’ve been waiting for and the day we’ve been working so hard for the last couple of years has finally come. We are doing it. We are making our first official donation as Team G Childhood Cancer Foundation....$19,000 total. And I am ecstatic.</i></div>
<div align="center" style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.625; margin-bottom: 1.625em;">
<i style="color: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">From the very first day we walked into Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital, I remember every bit of the way I felt that day. It brought me to my knees….literally…. I felt as if a train had run over me….backed up….and went forward again and again…and again. My breathe was gone and I was so weak, I could hardly make it through the doors. The doors with a huge sign atop reading “The Bass Center for Childhood Cancers and Blood Diseases”. What? How? Why? No…no…no…</i></div>
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<i style="color: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">It can’t be. How could our lives lead up to this? How could we be bringing our beautiful 4 year old daughter here? I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t want to believe it. But the road that lie in front of us at that time was unknown, and frightening.</i></div>
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<i style="color: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">Childhood cancer brought me to my knees. But it would. Not. Take. Me. Down. Cancer would have to fight…hard. And we would fight back with every ounce of our being. After a year of …hell, glory, pain, agony, positivity, bonding, and all of the above, we triumphed. Gabriella triumphed. She is now a survivor.</i></div>
<div align="center" style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.625; margin-bottom: 1.625em;">
<i style="color: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">We had been on the path for Gabriella’s health and now we are continuing on the path to find health for every child stricken with cancer. Every day, every damned day I read about another child’s battle, another child who’s stuck in a hospital room when they should be playing outside, another family’s loss, and another angel gaining their wings. And it motivates me. Even more, it blazes the fire. I have got to put it out. I have got to do something. Damn it. Damn you cancer for showing yourself. Damn you for taking little dreams and incinerating them. Damn you for taking away parents from their children to fight their child’s battles, to fight other children’s battles and to try and raise funds for the unacceptable lack of funding for our children.</i></div>
<div align="center" style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.625; margin-bottom: 1.625em;">
<i style="color: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">This is our way and this is the time that We. Will. Fight. You. We will join forces and never stop fighting for these kids who deserve more! I sit here filling out the checks that our treasurer and fellow cancer mom, Claudia, and I am overcome with pride, gratitude for those who helped us get here, and just plain overwhelming emotion. We’ve already made a few donations to childhood cancer research via Cookies for Kids’ Cancer and Alex’s Lemonade Stand…but there is something so different about this.</i></div>
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<i style="color: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">In retrospect, it is a small drop in the bucket. I wish it was more. I wish it was 100x more. But it’s just the beginning. And we will prevail. This will help. Every little bit helps.”</i></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a data-mce-href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/photo2.jpg" href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/photo2.jpg" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="photo" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-2247" data-mce-src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/photo2-300x300.jpg" height="300" src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/photo2-300x300.jpg" style="border: 1px solid rgb(221, 221, 221); clear: both; color: inherit; display: block; font-style: inherit; height: auto; line-height: 1.625; margin: 0.4em auto 1.625em; max-width: 97.5%; padding: 6px;" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Our survivor and super siblings...in honor of our Angel Tianna"</td></tr>
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<i style="color: inherit; line-height: 1.625;"> – Kristin Cosner, Founder and CEO</i></div>
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<span style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">Lucile Packard Foundation for Childrens' Health</span></h1>
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<a data-mce-href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/LPCH1.gif" href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/LPCH1.gif" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="LPCH" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-1783" data-mce-src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/LPCH1.gif" height="61" src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/LPCH1.gif" style="border: 1px solid rgb(221, 221, 221); clear: both; color: inherit; cursor: default; display: block; font-style: inherit; height: auto; line-height: 1.625; margin: 0.4em auto 1.625em; max-width: 97.5%; padding: 6px; width: auto;" width="204" /></a></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">
<strong style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">Dr. Michelle Monje <strong style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">- Donation $3,000</strong></strong></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">
<strong style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;"><a data-mce-href="http://give.supportlpch.org/site/TR?pxfid=4833&pg=fund&fr_id=1040" href="http://give.supportlpch.org/site/TR?pxfid=4833&pg=fund&fr_id=1040" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">JLK Tumor</a> </strong></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a data-mce-href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/IMG_3073.jpg" href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/IMG_3073.jpg" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="IMG_3073" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-2243" data-mce-src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/IMG_3073-300x199.jpg" height="199" src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/IMG_3073-300x199.jpg" style="border: 1px solid rgb(221, 221, 221); clear: both; color: inherit; display: block; font-style: inherit; height: auto; line-height: 1.625; margin-bottom: 1.625em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; max-width: 97.5%; padding: 6px;" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jennifer Witte, Claudia Cisneros (Team G Chief Financial Officer) and Erin Breese<br /></td></tr>
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Click <a data-mce-href="http://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2011/02/discoveries-offer-first-new-hope-in-three-decades-for-lethal-pediatric-brain-tumor.html" href="http://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2011/02/discoveries-offer-first-new-hope-in-three-decades-for-lethal-pediatric-brain-tumor.html" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">HERE</a> to learn more.</div>
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<a data-mce-href="http://teamgfoundation.org/2014/07/09/a-word-from-sarah-board-of-advisor/" href="http://teamgfoundation.org/2014/07/09/a-word-from-sarah-board-of-advisor/" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" title="A word from Sarah, Board of Directors">Blog post from Sara</a>, Board of Directors about her personal work on this project.</div>
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Treatment advances for DIPG have been stagnant for 35 years, said Monje, who treats DIPG patients atLucile Packard Children’s Hospital, where she was Dylan Jewett’s doctor. The cancer primarily affects children ages 5 to 9, striking 200 to 400 children per year in the United States and killing quickly. Radiation therapy offers temporary remission, but patients soon relapse; just one victim in 100 survives five years. No effective chemotherapy drugs exist, and, because the malignant cells entwine themselves with healthy cells in a region of the brain stem essential for life, surgery is impossible. The disease takes away control of basic body functions such as talking, swallowing and moving one’s eyes or limbs, but leaves victims aware of what is happening as their condition declines.</div>
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<strong style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">Dr. Kathleen Sakomoto <strong style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;"> - Donation $6,000</strong></strong></div>
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<strong style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;"><a data-mce-href="http://stemcell.stanford.edu/CD47/" href="http://stemcell.stanford.edu/CD47/" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">AntiCD47</a></strong></div>
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Click <a data-mce-href="http://www.curesearch.org/Barriers-to-Treatment/" href="http://www.curesearch.org/Barriers-to-Treatment/" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">HERE</a> to learn more.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tovah LeWinter and Jennifer Witte with Claudia</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a data-mce-href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Claudia-and-sis.jpg" href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Claudia-and-sis.jpg" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="Claudia and sis" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-2242" data-mce-src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Claudia-and-sis-300x203.jpg" height="203" src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Claudia-and-sis-300x203.jpg" style="border: 1px solid rgb(221, 221, 221); clear: both; color: inherit; display: block; font-style: inherit; height: auto; line-height: 1.625; margin-bottom: 1.625em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; max-width: 97.5%; padding: 6px;" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Irana and Claudia (sisters)<br /><a href="http://gabriellacosner.blogspot.com/2012/08/high-highs-and-low-lows.html" target="_blank">A bittersweet day for Claudia being the first day back to at Lucile Packard <br />after the loss of her daughter Tianna on August 6th, 2012.</a></td></tr>
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In a healthy person, when the body makes abnormal cells or cells become old, the body's scavenger cells, called macrophages, eliminate them in a process defined as programmed cell removal. When a person has cancer, the abnormal cells are not eliminated by the macrophages. Researchers under the leadership of Dr. Irv Weissman discovered that pediatric brain tumor, leukemia, bone tumor and neuroblastoma cells overproduce a cell surface protein known as CD47. The overproduction of CD47 on cancer cells tells macrophages "don't eat me," allowing the disease to progress. The members of Dr. Weissman's team have successfully tested an antibody to block the "don't eat me signal" in a variety of cancer cells and in animals. The CureSearch grant will support this research team in conducting a Phase I clinical trial at the Lucile Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford University. Their study will test whether anti-CD47 monoclonal antibody will decrease the size of tumors in children, by blocking the CD47 "don't eat me" signal and allowing macrophages to eliminate cancer cells.</div>
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<span style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">Seattle Hospital Children's Foundation</span></h1>
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<a data-mce-href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Seattle-Childrens1.gif" href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Seattle-Childrens1.gif" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="Seattle Children's" class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-1784" data-mce-src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Seattle-Childrens1.gif" height="95" src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Seattle-Childrens1.gif" style="border: 1px solid rgb(221, 221, 221); clear: both; color: inherit; cursor: default; display: block; font-style: inherit; height: auto; line-height: 1.625; margin: 0.4em auto 1.625em; max-width: 97.5%; padding: 6px; width: auto;" width="207" /></a></div>
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<strong style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">Dr. Courtney Crane - Donation $3,000</strong></div>
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Click<a data-mce-href="http://www.seattlechildrens.org/research/childhood-cancer/our-science/our-labs/crane-lab/" href="http://www.seattlechildrens.org/research/childhood-cancer/our-science/our-labs/crane-lab/" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"> HERE </a>to learn more.</div>
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Dr. Courtney Crane is pursuing therapies that use the immune system to wipe out brain tumors, without the devastating and often lifelong side effects of chemotherapy and radiation.</div>
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This immunotherapy approach has been shown to be effective in fighting leukemia and other blood cancers, but solid tumors have a unique ability to fly under the immune system’s radar and avoid its attacks. For instance, the body automatically sends innate immune cells, such as myeloid and natural killer (NK) cells, to the area around a tumor. Once there, however, cancer cells can modify those immune cells to stop them from eliminating the tumor.</div>
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Crane’s team is unraveling exactly how cancer cells disarm immune cells, with the goal of finding ways to reprogram those immune cells so they can elude cancer’s defenses and destroy brain tumors, neuroblastoma and other cancers.</div>
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<strong style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">Dr. Jim Olson - Donation $7,000</strong></div>
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Click <a data-mce-href="http://www.fhcrc.org/en/diseases/featured-researchers/olson-jim.html" href="http://www.fhcrc.org/en/diseases/featured-researchers/olson-jim.html" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">HERE</a> to learn more.</div>
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<a data-mce-href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/IMG_3092.jpg" href="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/IMG_3092.jpg" style="color: #1b8be0; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="IMG_3092" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-2239" data-mce-src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/IMG_3092-300x200.jpg" height="200" src="http://teamgfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/IMG_3092-300x200.jpg" style="border: 1px solid rgb(221, 221, 221); clear: both; color: inherit; cursor: default; display: block; font-style: inherit; height: auto; line-height: 1.625; margin-bottom: 1.625em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; max-width: 97.5%; padding: 6px;" width="300" /></a></div>
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Project Violet’s mission is twofold: to develop a new class of anti-cancer compounds derived from nature that will attack cancer cells while leaving healthy cells untouched. And to fund that drug development via crowdfunding, or as Olson calls it, “citizen science.”</div>
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Project Violet researchers have already had one big success: tumor paint. A “molecular flashlight” derived from the DNA of the Israeli death stalker scorpion, tumor paint chemically adheres to cancer cells and causes them to light up. Thousands of times more sensitive than MRI imagery, tumor paint enables surgeons to easily distinguish between deadly cancer cells and the surrounding healthy tissue making tumors more operable. After nearly a decade of development, human clinical trials are about to begin and the possibilities may extend well beyond helping patients like Violet.</div>
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<i style="color: inherit; line-height: 1.625;">Team G Childhood Cancer Foundation wants to especially thank the following donors for directing their funds specifically to childhood cancer research.</i></div>
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<tr style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;"><td height="12" style="border-style: solid none none !important; border-top-color: rgb(221, 221, 221) !important; border-top-width: 1px !important; cursor: text; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; margin: 8px; padding: 6px 10px 6px 0px;" width="184">Mamas’ Night Out- Michelle Riddle and Cara Pearson</td></tr>
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<tr style="color: inherit; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625;"><td height="12" style="border-style: solid none none !important; border-top-color: rgb(221, 221, 221) !important; border-top-width: 1px !important; cursor: text; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.625; margin: 8px; padding: 6px 10px 6px 0px;" width="184">Lori from the JH Breakfast</td></tr>
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Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8130370577832467411.post-41242243887201466932014-05-18T12:12:00.000-07:002014-05-18T12:14:47.419-07:00Seriously, what is my problem?I've been working on this blog post for the last few days. Just continuing to process it all. <br />
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Seriously, what is my problem? The last few months I have learned about a few acquaintances I knew from a previous lifetime ago had suddenly past away. People my age. But do I feel sad about it? Maybe a little. Do I feel terrible that I am not more sad about it? Definitely. Did these people not take care of the one body they were given? I'm sure more than others. But is there any comparison to those children dying of cancer? To me...not even a little. Yes, ok, they were someone's baby. My point being that our children who were once completely healthy are suddenly struck with this abominable disease called cancer and have to be basically poisoned and medically tortured in order to cure them.....we'll that's just unacceptable. Everything about it is unacceptable. The fact that childhood cancer gets so little funding; the fact that big pharm companies don't prioritize it because its not profitable enough; the fact that we are giving children medications meant to treat adults and meds that are over 20 years old.....any of it. I feel like a broken record. <br />
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I'm on Facebook a lot. Probably too much but it helps me stay connected. It helps me remember why I'm here still fighting the fight. I don't want another parent to have to go through this. I don't want another parent to hear the words, "your child has cancer" and I especially don't want anyone else to hear these words, "....there's nothing more we can do". Many times the children's stories are just too much to follow, especially hearing so many of them. But every once in a while, one will pull me in. A story I can't turn away from. Suddenly, I am back in the battle...for them. Living their nightmare, crying for them, sharing their joys and pain. Yes, it's draining and it can't happen often. The fear that this could be my child fighting again is real. It's there and it will always be there. The fact that this cancer could reoccur or that she could be stricken with a secondary cancer from her "treatments" is always lingering. But I keep it at bay. I learn to control the fear. Maybe by being so busy? Possibly. <br />
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I think I'm maxed out on my emotional capacity and just don't have enough tears for everyone. The children I follow and the past journey we traveled has already taken so much out of me. It's made me less tolerant of the silly things in life. Perspective. It's made me mad and ready to fight. And, yes. It's made me stronger. But does that mean I have to have less compassion for the rest of the world who isn't a child and fighting cancer? Not at all. But I am only human. I used to be a big cryer. Cried over lots of things...little and big things. When I was upset, I would just call my mom and hearing her voice would just make me cry. It seemed silly to cry so often but it was a good way to "get it out"...whatever "it" was. Now, the tears are infrequent and seldom. I'm trying to figure it all out still. Why do I cry less? Is this ok? Did I just run out of tears? Am I less sensitive before cancer and has it just jaded me? Or am I so angry that children have to deal with cancer that I just want to fight. Sometimes I feel like a bull in a china shop. "Stay out of my way of fighting pediatric cancer...or else." But I have to balance myself. I have to maintain compassion and understanding for the world around me. Easier said than done. <br />
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It dawned on me the other day. I have such little tolerance for people who complain these days. Ok, I get it, the "every once in a while complaint with your girlfriends" is totally ok. It's actually enjoyable and it makes me feel normal. But the constant, non-stop complaining, and whining about life. I'd like to take those people, stick them in front of a mirror and say...Take a look...Take a good look. Why the hell do you complain? You are healthy, you have a job, you have a house, your children are healthy yet you are constantly complaining...about life... about things that some people would kill to have...like healthy children....like LIVING children! I want to tell them...shut up. Just shut up. If you have so many complaints about life, then get off your butt and do something about it! FIND A SOLUTION to the problem. Ok, enough on that.<br />
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Honestly, it seems kinda silly to me to update our blog these days but it's therapy for me. I'm not sure if anyone is still out there. I'm not sure if anyone still follows us, except for on Facebook. I know that there are so many still with us on this journey and for that, I am grateful. I hope we can pull in more. It is a journey that will always continue. Once you enter this world of pediatric cancer, you can never leave. My wish is to have more people care about this cause and more to contribute to the lack of funding for childhood cancer. My wish is for it to go away. <br />
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I don't want to be the mom that pays so much effort and attention to fighting childhood cancer that I forget to spend time with my own kids in the process. After all, we had to fight through hell and back to have healthy, living children. So, please, please help me fight childhood cancer. Help US fight childhood cancer. Just take a few moments out of your busy day...to spread awareness, to join a cause, or to raise some well needed funds. I'm just a mom. I'm not a salesperson (sometimes I feel like one doing all of this "business" type work). I'm just a mom fighting cancer. <br />
Cancer parents can't do this without you. We can't do this without your help. Please. We need to fight childhood cancer....together.<br />
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Just in case there are some of you out there...<br />
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My Girls</div>
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What more can I say about my girls? They are sweet, adorable, smart, sassy, kind, full of attitude, compassionate, and I love every ounce of them. They are growing up so fast. I'm not complaining. I love seeing them grow up and become smart, intelligent, individual beings who can make choices on their own and do things for themselves. Can I say that I miss them as babies? A little. Every once in a while, I look at their little cheeks when they are asleep and it reminds me of their cute chubby baby cheeks. Will I miss this stage in 5 years, absolutely. I'm trying to suck in every moment with them while giving them space to grow and doing things for me...that is, work, exercise, and growing the foundation. It's definitely a balancing act...life that is. Everything it takes to be a mom, a parent, a wife and all the other activities have to be balanced out every day. But I love it. <br />
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Bridget just celebrated her 4th birthday. We actually had a little party with some of our favorite people the night of her birthday (the night before Mamas Night Out) and a birthday party yesterday with more of our favorite people. My Bridgy is just incredible. Talking and saying so many funny things. She's just full of vinegar and sass but has so much compassion. I just love her to pieces. <br />
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Gabriella is getting into dance and has her first performance coming up. She is just blossoming into an amazing child. As her hair started growing, so has her personality and everything about her. Just incredible to see.<br />
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Both girls are swimming like little fish in the water, Bridget is doing gymnastics and Gabriella is doing dance and Spanish class. We are always running from here to there for playdates, classes, school, errands, etc. And I love every minute of it. Our plate is full but I wouldn't change it for anything. <br />
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Mamas Night Out<br />
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What an incredible night this past Mama's Night Out. I loved every bit about it. Yes, it was crowded and we are looking into changing the venue for next year. But, wow....the love and energy and compassion filled the room that night. It was inspiring and powerful. I'm so proud of the ladies that are helping to make a difference. Its an honor to work with them....you know who you are ;-)<br />
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I'm sure you all will get bored of this writing, but I love it. Here's part of my speech for the evening:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">CANCER MOMS</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">I belong to a special group of women.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">My friends and I have an amazing bond.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">We never wanted to be in this group,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Yet we are in…..for life.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Maybe we have met, maybe we haven’t,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">Yet our love for each other is boundless.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">We know the pain the other one feels,</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;"><br />And we share our victories small or huge.<br />Words like chemo, IV, Zofran, bald heads<br />Are always parts of our conversations …<br />We always know where the closest puke bucket is,<br />We can hold it in one hand and if necessary,<br />Swallow the sandwich the other hand was holding.<br />We know how to draw blood from lines<br />Sticking out of little kids chests.<br />We can hold them down with one hand,<br />While a nasogastric tube is inserted in their little nose,<br />And be on the phone with their dads at the same time.<br />We can live for days on hospital food,<br />And maybe only ONE meal a day.<br />We know the names of up to 20 different drugs, their purpose, dosage and time to be taken.<br />We are always on call…….24 hours a day…..Seven days a week.<br />We are used to not always looking our best,<br />Make up, hair styling, skirts are words of the past.<br />We have become addicted to texting,<br />hospitals, clinics, home, wherever…<br />We talk sometimes at all hours of the night,<br />We know we can count on someone to be up.<br /><br />Then for one of us, the world stops.<br />She has to walk away, broken.<br />This job is over.<br />The job is over, but the fight is on.<br />Remember, I said we were in this forever.<br />We are friends, sisters, temporary nurses,<br />We are each others rock, each others punching bag,<br />We listen, we vent, we cry, we laugh together.<br />We share our lives and our deaths.<br />We share our pain and our victories.<br />We are strong, but not by choice,<br />Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose,<br />But never are we defeated.<br />We are not doctors,<br />We are not oncologists,<br />We are CANCER MOMS</span><br />
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Ok, gotta get back to my mom duties today.<br />
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Kristin<br />
<br />Kristinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08809255937165446873noreply@blogger.com1