Tonight I went to work and I was put in the position of being charge nurse. It's silly how much it overwhelmed me because I played this role in the emergency department 14 years ago as a new grad-fresh out of nursing school. I guess it's a part of our life now, post stress, post traumatic stress?, and feeling the anxiety all over again. At least scans are now every four months and not every three. But it doesn't make it any easier. It's taking me a least a few hours to try to catch my breath, again, but it's still not back. I don't know how many times I can write "I'm anxious, "I can't catch my breath", "what if" before I get tired of hearing it myself. Over and over and over again.
Maybe I'm too involved. Maybe I read too many blogs and posts. Maybe I need to walk away and just try to live a normal life. I often ponder this idea but then ask myself "Can I really let this (childhood cancer) go on, knowing what I know, and not do anything about it?" And the answer is No. I'm in to deep. I know too much. I wish I could but I can't. I wish it was that easy.
Working constantly on our foundation haunts me... But childhood cancer haunts me more. It's exhausting, everything about it is exhausting and I often think can one little me make a difference? And at what cost? I don't know. But at least I have to try. Which always brings me back to that one little word... BALANCE. Oh do I try. Oh boy do I try.