Sunday, October 28, 2012

Off the Ledge

I feel like I've been talking myself off the ledge all day.  Not because I want to jump but because this crazy force is trying to push me off.  I felt a little like a crazy person today.  Talking to myself and doing a lot of reassuring that everything is going to be ok.  We've been doing everything we can to stay busy, hold our heads up high and reinforce ourselves to the fact that Gabriella is going to come out of this perfectly fine.  Today, the negative tried to take the better of me but I continued to force "those thoughts" back and push them out of my mind...."She's going to be just fine....but what, no, no....she's going to be great....the cancer is, no, no....she has been having trouble regulating her bowels the last few days...that happened in the beginning when the tumor was so big that it started to get in the way of her regularity....what if....NO, NO, NO...THE CANCER IS GOING AWAY... I KNOW IT IS....."
Crazy talk...crazy thoughts.  I felt like a crazy person.  The thoughts...NO...the with the girls....think....push the thoughts out of my whatever I can to stay positive...
My mom arrived in the afternoon and I just needed an outlet.  I grabbed Ellie and went for a run...a soul soothing, anxiety releasing run.  So much stress I carry in my shoulders and it mostly went away after running.  Ahhhh...just what I needed.

G's scans are starting tomorrow and Adam and I have been pretty anxious this week.  Even Ellie our dog has felt the anxiety and stress this week.  She's pretty sensitive to our moods and in the past, has only taken off to "look for us" when I was 8 months pregnant with each of the girls.  G was feeling well enough on Thursday night to attend Disney on Ice (which Jacob's Heart was kind enough to send us tickets).  Both girls had an amazing time and Disney is truly magical.  Gabriella said her favorite part was watching Pinocchio's fairy and Bridget's favorite was Cinderella.  As we were driving home, we got a call that Ellie was found running up Highway 17.  She got so nervous about us being gone along with feeling all the stress this week that she decided to climb over our 6 foot fence, rip her dewclaw's off in the process, run through the neighborhood and make her way up the highway to find us.  Ugg.  Luckily, a young man grabbed her and brought her back safely.  Time to board up the gate a little more.

Disney on Ice!  I love this picture
especially B being so happy with her lolly pop!

G's fist art ciass

 Friday was G's first art class from our friend Rachael at Drawn2Art.  I was much more nervous about leaving her than I ever anticipated but she was so amazing and really got into her work.  Bridgy and I went to the grocery store but drove by a couple of times to see how she was doing.  Never thought I'd be that mom but here I am. 

With my mom at home watching the girls, I was able to attend some halloween festivities.  Adam has been at work for the last couple of days so my dear friends Ronnie and Mel took me.  It was great to have a chance for some fun and some normal time.  I'm lucky enough to have such positive friends as Mel, who reminded me of all the things I needed to hear.  Probably things I need to hear every day to keep my mind on track but especially right now.

We also got a chance for a halloween dress rehearsal at Cousin Caiden and Iskandria's school.  The girls were so excited about being with Iskandria and so excited about wearing their halloween outfits.  It was very endearing to see Iskandria taking such good care of her little cousins and being so proud of them that she introduced the girls to all of her friends.  G had a great time just being a little kid.  With her wig on, no one even knew she was different.  I was so worried that her wig was going to pop off and that the kids would give her a bad time but I think it would have bothered me more than it would have bothered her.  She's so resilient and know's how truly special she is.  

As we head into tomorrow (or today as I'm writing this), an array of tests will be done to make sure we are heading the right direction with her fight against cancer.  A CT will be done tomorrow and an MRI will be done on Monday to make sure there is no new tumor growth and to make sure that the primary tumor site is still shrinking.  It will also check to see how the radiation treatments effected the lymph nodes and to make sure they are stable or better yet, shrinking along with the rest of the tumor.  The following Monday will be an exam with a biopsy to see how the cells are responding.  The next few days will be telling of the positive direction that G's cancer is going away and we are positive that these next few days will be full of nothing but good news.

Moving forward.



  1. Oh honey, im praying for you like crazy this week! Lots of positive thoughts, u have every right to freak out, you have been through hell and back. I love u so much!

  2. Keep breathing! Big deep breaths and try and clear your head and just focus on that. All great news will come this week! Hang in there!! Love the photos :)