"The Beauty of Your Cancer"

My dear Gabriella and Bridget,

As we come closer to the end of this difficult chapter in our lives, there is so much that I reflect on.  I see the two of you only a year older than you were when this all started and realize you have grown in impressive ways.  I am in awe of you both.  I see the little warriors in you and how you've each come into your own people yet share a bond with each other that is unbreakable.  It is a bond that two people will only know if they go through an ordeal as astounding as this.  Gabriella, your beauty and strength have shined above all else and Bridget, your compassion and understanding is one that I will ponder for years to come.

Our last treatment will be coming up this coming week.  I am so ecstatic that we won't have to poison you, G with these toxins any further to help save your life.  And I am ecstatic that you, Bridget won't have to endure nights away from your sister because she is in the hospital or watch her as she struggles through the discomfort and nausea.  Yet, I am so scared.  Scared because we won't be "actively" killing those god damned cancer cells in your little body with this oddly protective poison we need to give you.  It is such a strange feeling really.  But I know in my heart that your cancer is gone.  And I know it won't come back.  We got it baby.  I just know we did.

This past week we needed an escape from the house that has trapped us for too many days.  We needn't wait anxiously for your last chemo at home when we felt good enough to escape for a little bit.  So, off on a little trip to Lincoln (or England which I love calling it) to see Nana and Papa.  Daddy and I even got to take another little trip up to the mountains.  They are so beautiful and I can't wait to bring you girls up there.

Driving by the frozen lakes always made me ponder about what's underneath.  But this time, the marveling was much more intense and made me anxious.  Ending our active treatment is going to be like stepping on that frozen lake.  Will we slip on the ice?  Will we fall through to the frozen lake below?  Or will it be strong enough to hold us?  We just have to hold our breath, take each others hands and step together.  Proceed with caution, celebrate the victory and continue to hope.

This moment stole my heart today when Bridget leaned over to give G a hug
because her tummy was upset.  It really took my breath away. 

This Monday fell on Gabriella's lab day and she confidently let mommy access her port while sitting on Nana's lap.   Adam was right there to assist me, Nana was there to comfort G, Bridgy was watching Scooby Doo and Papa was asking where to put the dishes (his way of being nervous).  Sticking a needle into your child's chest (or any other part of her) is something I don't think I'll ever get used to.  But we had to get it done and we did.  I felt a slight surge of nausea after the process being that I was slightly off the first stick and had to adjust a little while G screamed that it hurt.  In her eyes, I stayed strong and I was not going to falter.   We talked about it a little after and she said it hurt just a little but she was also a bit nervous (because our nurse Ellen is normally the one accessing G's port).  As always, she moved on from the moment much quicker than I did.


This poem I found a while back when I was just searching and hoping...for hope.  It struck a cord with me at the time because I thought, how in the world can you put beauty and cancer in the same paragraph, yet alone the same sentence?  But it makes me realize there's so much more to this journey.



          THE BEAUTY OF YOUR CANCER

THE BEAUTY OF YOUR CANCER IS 
YOUR SPIRIT SHINING THROUGH IT,
YOUR SMILE AND YOUR LAUGHTER TELL ME 
YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS,
PRAYERS AROUND THE WORLD 
ALL INCLUDE YOUR NAME,
THE BEAUTY OF YOUR CANCER IS 
OUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME,
YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE HEARTS OF STRANGERS, 
AND NOW THEIRS ARE TOUCHING YOURS,
YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE HEARTS OF FAMILIES 
WHO HAVE SEEN MIRACLES AND HOPE FOR CURES,
YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE NURSES AND DOCTORS 
WHO HAVE WATCHED YOU OVERCOME YOUR OBSTACLES,
THE BEAUTY OF YOUR CANCER IS ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...

...I TOOK A GOOD LOOK BACK,
AND DECIDED TO CHANGE OUR LIVES,
I REALIZED WHAT WAS MISSING, WHAT WAS IMPORTANT, 
AND WHAT WE NEEDED TO SURVIVE
THE BEAUTY OF YOUR CANCER IS~ 
IT TOOK THE CANCER FOR ME TO SEE IT,
OUR FAMILY BOND IS CLOSER NOW,
THE LOVE WE SHARE IS TRUE,
WE TREASURE EVERY MINUTE, 
AND ITS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU,
YOU INSPIRE OTHER FAMILIES WHO ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME,
YOUR SMILE AND YOUR SPIRIT SEEM TO EASE THEIR PAIN,
YOU HAVE CHANGED SO MANY PEOPLE,
AND RAISED HOPE IN MANY TOO,
THE BEAUTY OF YOUR CANCER... IS YOU.
 
 Written by:TINA (SETHS MOM)10-07

With HOPE and STRENGTH...
Kristin