A YEAR post treatment

I did it.  I didn't want to...like every other parent, mother, father on this planet...I did it.  I opened my heart and my eyes to a little girl dying of cancer and I've been reading her mom's blog...daily.  It's not that my eyes were closed (obviously) but to continually read stories and and blogs about little kids fighting (and dying) from cancer is emotionally draining.  I see why people won't read it.  I see why people turn their backs to it.  It's heartbreaking.  It's literally gut wrenching.  And most of us turn our backs and go on with our lives because it is just too sad to be a part of.

Well, I get it.  I've lived it.  But that doesn't mean we need to turn away and not act.  It doesn't mean that we can turn away and pretend like it doesn't happen...like it will never happen to us.  For every parent I know who has fought their child's cancer, they felt the same way.....it won't happen to me....the chances of it happening to me are rare...  I'm here to tell you.....WAKE UP!!  I was exactly this person. I didn't want to see it because it was TOO HARD.  Being a nurse and all, you are "aware"....sort of.   We know childhood cancer happens and you know children die of it.  But to actually get inside and feel and see the gut wrenching trauma that happens....yes it IS HARD....but it happens.   It happens all too often.  Damn it.    Reading this little girls story is so hard.  It has me emotionally to my knees and in tears for her family.  I hate it.  I hate every minute of feeling this way.  And she's not even my child.  I don't even know her yet it still rips me apart.  She is dying.  She will die in a matter of days.  And she's only 6 years old.

Throughout this horrifying journey, I have meet so many parents who have lost their child to childhood cancer.  I've read their blogs and I've talked with them face to face.  I've even cried with them.   I've gasped for air every time I hear "my child didn't make it" or "my child is an angel" and I think to myself how LUCKY are we.  How lucky we are to have our child still....thriving and living life to the fullest.  Going through it and coming out in the end with our little G.

I've met these parents and they still suffer.  Even with so many years that pass, they are never the same. They have a huge piece of their hearts that are void of a child they lost.  Time DOES NOT heal all wounds and no matter how much time goes by, it is still so painful.   I see it in their eyes.   I think of this every time I hold Gabriella's hand and as she falls to sleep.  This might have been us.  This might have been Gabriella's hand that I was holding as she was dying.  I could have been watching her take her last breath.....like to many of these parents do.  It is agonizing.  Can you even imagine the pure horror that you would feel?

It makes me angry.  Yet, I push on and I WILL NOT STOP until more is done.

Tomorrow marks the last day one year ago when Gabriella had her last day of chemotherapy February 7th, 2013.  A day I will always remember.  The last day that poison that was necessary to save her life entered into my daughters little body. We will celebrate.
I'm in tears today.  Crying for happiness.  Crying for sadness.