Yesterday was a long hard day but the farther out we are from the end of treatment, the easier it gets. Trust me, it's still not easy because all of those initial feelings still boil to the top when we revisit similar scenes, similar faces, and similar situations when we were first diagnosed. The farther out we are, the less chances the cancer has of coming back. Unfortunately, due to the treatments that cured her, we still need to keep an eye out for secondary cancers but I have to live in the present day and know my baby is healthy and cancer free.
We used to have weeks and weeks of scanxiety (funny how my phone automatically fills that word in) and now it is only a few days prior to the test where we really get nervous. Now it's maybe even a day before. This is a good thing because my mind is not always consumed with the idea of the cancer coming back. I'm actually pretty convinced that it won't but as a cancer parent you have a superstition that the "cancer trolls" are hiding in the walls and will hear you. It caught us all off guard first time around and we never want to let that happen again. So we all anticipate and be prepared for the question "what if". We don't ever want cancer to outsmart us again or sneak up on us like it did the first time.
It's intersting how little signs from the universe seem to appear the day of or the day before scans. I'm not superstitious and I won't freik out if signs don't appear the next time but I look for things out there....a blood moon or a full moon....no traffic on the road where there is normally boatloads...a double rainbow...a shooting star....letting me know all will be ok. Maybe it is just at those times where I really stop and absorb the world around me. I need to do this more often.
As for the girls, well, they are just amazing. Gabriella had her MRI without anesthesia, which actually changed from the original plan of having her under general for the scan then transporting her for the exam asleep. This was the second time she did this and she did fantastic. She actually chose me to stay in the room with her, which normally doesn't happen since she such a daddy's girl ;-). When we were getting her ready, I could feel the machine (since it's a magnet) slightly pulling on my earrings. That made me a little anxious but I didn't want G to feel I was nervous. She had her video eyeglasses on watching the movie......can you guess......Frozen and was pretty happy about that. The machine was loud....really loud and made me a little jumpy. (I think some of this is post trauma after going through a year of hell) I was surprised and so proud of her for hilding so still during the whole procedure. My little hero.
Bridget was pretty amazing too. Since my mom came down to go with us to the hospital, Bridget had the option of coming. We like to give her some control over the situation and make sure she can have a say in her options. She said to us, "I want to come with you when Gabbi takes her disney nap." G calls anesthesia her "dizzy nap" and it was really funny to hear Bridget call it a disney nap.
After the MRI and before the exam, B for to come in and see G. My mom got her a little stuffed animal and after we said, "Look what G got for you", she said to G, "Look what I got for me". Made all the nurses and us laugh.
As for today, I'm overcome with a feeling of relief. Nothing can change that.
Thank you all again for being here with us. We can't tell you how grateful we are to have your support.