Sunday, October 12, 2014

Out of the fog

Crap...I realized I haven't posted since Gabriella's scans back in August.  ALL IS CLEAR!!!  All is well, very well!  I'm sure many of you who I'm friends with on Facebook heard the great news.

This is probably my most favorite picture to this day!  

And off we go again, to celebrate clear scans and try to live a normal life.  A normal life.  What the heck is that?  I really don't know.  I guess we will never know.  Not sure I was ever "normal" before all of this but whatever.  I love my life.  I love our life.  I have always been one to push the boundaries.  And I fell in love with someone who does exactly what I do...push the boundaries.

It's interesting coming out of this "fog" that we had been in the last few years.  Strange really.  When we were in the midst of Gabriella's treatment, I had one thing on my mind.  And that was my family.  Getting my family through this and getting my G through this.  I met so many people and experienced so much...all while my head was in a fog and a smile on my face.  It was the only way I could get through it all.  Just to smile and start living moment to moment, making sure my girls were ok.  I realize this past year and 1/2, I've been meeting those people again (that I met when I was in a fog) and really struggling to remember how I knew them, where I met them, and what their names were.  It's really an awful feeling especially when knowing so many of these people supported us through our journey.  I never took it for granted.  Can I blame it on "cancer mom's brain"?  It's a little like pregnancy brain but totally different.  Just living in a daze in the worst possible way because your child is sick, really sick.   But it slowly comes back...I'm starting to remember it all.

It's also like living on this island where you don't really have the proper social protocols.  Everyone gives you a "free pass" to do whatever...because you have a sick child.  You can say whatever you want, act how you want "because your child has cancer", and do it all without being judged.  You can totally ignore normal social norms because you can always use the excuse, "my child has cancer" and it seemed to make any action ok.  Where am I going with this?  I have no idea.  I'm just feeling the need to analyze all of it as we sink our way back into reality.  So... I do remember the time when we took Gabriella to a Disney on Ice show.  I was blocking a parking spot up close because Adam was bringing the girls a little later.  People got pretty upset at me for blocking the space.  But at that time, we were in the midst of treatment and I was at the point where I just wanted to scream at someone (for everything).  And I really didn't care if they were upset.  I was saving that spot for my family, and my G who I didn't want walking through the whole parking lot because she was sick, bald and not feeling great.  A family came up and got pretty pushy about taking the spot I was standing in and kept creeping forward despite the fact I was standing there.  Yeah, I got pissed.  I couldn't believe how pissed I got (mind you it wasn't just the spot but obviously the whole hell that we had to put G through to save her).  My blood was boiling.  So, I unleashed on the couple.  Letting them know what hell we were going through and how my daughter was sick, fighting cancer, etc. etc.  Oh yeah, they heard me loud and clear, ended up apologizing and parking somewhere else.  Figures that Adam parked in a different spot and the girls had to walk anyway.  I know now (and then) that I was hurting.  I was in pain and they were just in the wrong spot at the wrong time.  So, if you're out there somewhere, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I also wonder sometimes, am I an ok friend?  Am I listening to my friends and asking them about their lives?  For so long, people asked about our lives and wouldn't talk about their lives because no one wanted to burden us with their "small" stuff.  I felt bad.  I feel selfish sometimes.  I want to know about my friends lives and not just talk about our life.  They are my friends and I cherish the friendships that I have.  I'm having to readjust from being a cancer mom, to leading more of a normal life.  So, if you're my friend and I talk to much about my life, please tell me.  I promise it won't hurt my feelings ;-).  I'm just trying to adjust and settle out of the fog and back here on our planet.

As for the rest of life, I really can't believe how far we have come.  Life is fantastic.  Our family and friends are fantastic.  School, work, home....all fantastic.  Do I totally have a distorted view on life?  Maybe but I'm loving every moment.  Even the moments where I am so annoyed with my girls at the end of the day and I just want to drink a glass of wine.  Because that's pretty normal, right?

I have a chance now to make a difference, if even a small difference in the lives of someone, anyone going through this terrible disease.  And I get a chance to show my daughters, both of them, what it really means to care, hope and love without boundaries.


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