Tuesday, July 16, 2013

A moment of panic

This past Sunday, I had a moment of terror with Gabriella.  I thought I felt a hard bump around her initial tumor site and I just panicked.  It immediately brought me back the initial discovery of G's tumor and the thought that I wasn't persistent enough with the doctor to get G diagnosed the day I found it.  I knew I needed to call right away and get her seen.  As I was paging the on-call oncologist and waiting to tell him the story, all these emotions came over me.  I tried my best to tell him the story but I could hear it in my voice...the frantic, the panic, the anxiety and finally I lost it.  Dr. Currier was so great about hearing me out and understanding my panic about the situation.  He talked to me a lot and just said everything I needed to hear.  I realized I had been in the garage for a little while and the girls were in the living room watching TV.  I didn't want them to see the panic on my face and my red puffy eyes...didn't want them to know the fear I felt at that moment.  Gabriella already knew I was worried and asked "Mommy, is my cancer back?"  Ugg, what a just plain shitty question that she has to ask.  I thought of who I could call, besides Adam, and I thought of Mel and Ronnie.  Within a few minutes, they were on their way over to help with the girls and help me get through this moment.  What a blessing to have such dear friends so close.  The rest of the day was spent taking a break and swimming at Auntie Mel and Uncle Ronnie's house...the laundry, the cleaning and the mess could wait.  It was just what we all needed on a beautiful day.

And this is how we spent it...

From my conversations with the oncologist, my friends, Adam and convincing myself my "medical" assessment of the situation is correct, there was nothing wrong...just old scar tissue that I had felt.  As a mom, I couldn't help to go there...that dark place where I was last year when we heard the unthinkable.  Could this be happening again?  The answer is NO.  The doctor was reassured since her recent June scans were clear.  He was also reassured since there is very little chance that the cancer would grow back in the same area.  Ok, I could breathe a little.  We sent an email to Dr. Marina and Dr. Aftandilian right away to let them know of our concern.  They were also reassuring that this was not a recurrence.  Ok, we'll I'm not going to take any chances of not having her seen to double check.  I think everyone was ok with that.  We're heading up on...well, today (Tuesday) to be seen first thing in the morning.

But I felt assured also going to see our wonderful new pediatrician, Dr. Walker.  G's well child check was scheduled months ago for Monday and it couldn't have come at a better time.  She was also reassuring and let us know how well Gabriella was growing and looking.  She is at 40.6 pounds!  Adam and I talked about her weight during radiation...dropping to 30lbs.  I couldn't remember what the exact weight was but I think some of these things we forget to protect ourselves from traumatic incidents.  Her height, eyesight, hearing....all perfect!

So, off we went to the Boardwalk for another fun day...knowing that G has beaten this monster.

I felt a strange feeling that came over me today; one I haven't felt in a while.  I was thinking about it and describing it to Adam.  I think it was called "relaxation".  I haven't felt this feeling in years....even before G was diagnosed.  The stress of being pregnant, having babies, working and just adjusting to life as a mom was stressful in itself. Who would have imagined?  Then you add cancer on top of that and oh boy...I don't think "relax" is even a part of that dictionary.  Even with the pending oncology visit tomorrow, I just know deep down that everything is going to be ok.  I'll post again tomorrow.  But for now, sleep is calling me.


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