Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Day #5 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood Cancer

I think scans are hard no matter how far out from treatment you are. I find myself in a state of crazy cleaning, staying up late, trying to satisfy late night cravings more readily than normal and wondering around the house trying to find something more to keep me distracted and keep my mind occupied. It's a good thing I don't keep more sweets around the house especially around now.  There is definitely some stress eating going on although my business keeps me preoccupied. 

The girls and I have been planning on building a fairy garden for a couple of months now. Finally today, after a cleaning rampage through the girls drawers and closets, power washing the outside walkways, realizing why not power wash the side of the house around my new planted garden area then power wash the front entry way of the house until my husband shuts the washer off, we finally got to the fairy garden. They had a definite sense of pride after picking the best spots for the flowers, especially Bridget. Digging, filling soil, bringing it all together was fantastic. Then the OCD kicked in. I had that great idea that was found while skimming through Pinterest and I got stuck on it. Even Gabriella drew out a picture of a fairy house "on stilts" with a "lower deck". So, I sawed, I got the nails out, the hammer, the saw, the drill, the extra pieces of wood and tried to put that thing together just as we both thought it "should" be. The girls lost interest and I ended up getting so frustrated with myself. How do I describe it...when one is so caught up in their mind that the aren't even present anymore. This is me. I have this tendency  to get so wrapped up and absorbed into something that it takes all of my "presence" away. Not sure if it's Gabriella's scans coming up, which I have to believe is part of the reason, or because my mind is still trying to sort itself out...or what.  It is so frustrating. I can't just do something. It has to be insanely done, if it's up to Kristin. 

We ended up with a garden that looked beautiful and that we would work on further. I pulled myself out of my mind, cleaned up, tried not to be irritated with myself which of course comes out in irritation with my family, packed up and we all went to the beach. We spend the afternoon with great cancer parents and their two little girls who one is currently fighting cancer.  The weather was perfect and the girls got to play on the beach while we watched the whales and took the polar bear plunge. Brrr. Wine, pizza, beach, great friends....couldn't ask for more. 

I'll tell you this, being a cancer mom was almost simpler than being a post cancer mom. Our mission was so clear back then. Fight cancer. That's it. Fight Gabriella's cancer with everything we had. And we did. Now, the lines become blurred. Do I work more or should I work less...should I work at all?  Should I just stay at home and raise my survivor and sib as normally as I can? 

Should I continue to put as great of an effort into fighting child cancer even though there are so many more foundations doing an amazing job who have that emotional need since their child died from cancer...since it takes me away from being "present" with my own family. And then there is graduate school. A combination of me going into a field with great financial rewards, with the potential of some medical practice independence, a larger salary, and a combination of helping helping friends with their basic questions about their kids and assist these children and families through the most difficult times of their lives. I can't wait to be that person but I must find the balance. 

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