Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Day #8 - 30 Day Writing Challenge...Life after Surviving Childhood Cancer

I knew it would be hard to get up early on Monday morning so I set my alarm with Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger" to get me going. The infamous video with all the little bald fighters was released shortly after G's diagnosis and it got us through some tough times. It's kinda like our "theme song". 

As usual, everything ran smoothly. She even got her IV without so much as a whimper of pain. Kudos to our nurse Allen who we've seen at the satellite unit the last few times. But during the scan I had a moment of justified anxiety.  We were stalled for a few minutes and "waiting for the doctors to look over the scans". It was just a little longer than the norm and the tech let me know they needed a few more pictures. Ugh.  My mind started racing with thoughts of "f*ck, is this thing coming back, what is treatment going to be like, what's going to happen to my baby, will we have to move to another state for treatment or will we stay here....on and on and on". If you've ever had an MRI you know how  noisy the machine can be.  Clank...clank... clank.... click click click click click....drk, drk, drk.....  But my thoughts got louder. 
It's never a good sign when they take longer than normal (or at least what we perceive to be a normal exam with our preconceived time frames) and brought me right back to the initial ultrasound where I was told "I can't tell you that information" when asking is that normal size. Then waiting while the tech discussed with the radiologist the perceived results.  The tech must've seen my anxiety (she was in the control room) and came out to let me know that she was pretty sure she overheard the doctors discussing Gabriella's scans looking clear. Ok. That was good enough for me at that moment and my heightened state came back down within mageable perimeters.  Whew, that was scary. We've had many scares along the way and that's just part of this life we live now. They are becoming few and far between, which I will gladly take. 

Adam and I both noticed the girls and their instant cheerful moods. They take so many cues from us as parents that it makes us more and more reinforced of our choice to see the positives through treatment.  "Mom and dad are ok, I'm ok".  They were off the wall happy yesterday evening after a long day at the hospital and the first day of being back at swim lessons.  
I didn't want to hide my feelings from them on Sunday when I was so visibly upset. I just wanted to protect them from the worry we carry as parents. Sometimes that's very difficult to do, especially when you are someone like me who wears their heart on their sleeve. But it is what it is and I will always strive for doing my best. 

Best part about the day:

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