Geezus. The one day I forget my sunglasses is the one day I find myself walking down the aisle of Nob Hill literally crying. I walked by a woman with little children of her own and I quickly looked away. If she only knew. If only there was a chance that I could protect her from knowing. Knowing that childhood cancer could strike her at any moment. I didn't want my girls to see me but Gabriella is so astute when it comes to reading people and I don't think I got away without her noticing.
We had just watched Cinderella in the movie theater. I needed a distraction away from home and the girls had really wanted to see this movie. Actually, I did as well. Damn Disney. They do it every time. Tears of happiness...for me, for G and I think a little for B as well. But that might be stretching it. Cinderella was the first princess movie that Gabriella saw and probably the only one she watched at least 50 times over, at least. So much of seeing this movie made me think about...well, made me think about her and how far she has come and how far we have all come. She has been growing up awfully fast these last few weeks (I'm sure it's been longer than that but it seems so recent). Some of the things that come out of her mouth just take me by surprise. I have a glimpse what life will be like in a couple of years and I'm getting myself prepared ;-). Sometimes I want to bust out laughing and her little grownup remarks but have to refrain myself. She is, in fact, my "sensitive one"...just like her mommy. Its a laugh of pride and an, "I'm so glad cancer didn't take her so I could witness these moments" kind of laugh. I don't think she will really understand that kind of laugh until she is a parent herself.
When we got back home, I noticed she was being a little quiet. I thought, "Oh crap. She saw me upset and is worried now. How do I ask her what she is worried about without putting fear in her about tomorrow?". So I just asked her if she was ok and what was worrying her. She told me she was worried about the shot thingy (the IV) that she has to get. Just as she has received an ungodly amount of shots in her little lifetime, I reminded her how brave and strong she truly was. In the movie, the key was to always be kind...and courageous. I reminded her that she was one of the bravest people I knew and not to forget that. Ever.
Just walking into the grocery store today after the movie, I had a moment where I was completely overwhelmed. Thinking about our journey with Gabriella up to this point is just overwhelming. And it all hit me at once. It's hard to even describe. The stress of scans, the awesome movie I just got to watch with my girls, or the emotion of it all. It, aka. LIFE, has come full circle from our dark chaotic days of diagnosis and treatment where the only positives lie in taking every moment we could to make it better. To the treatment ending and the fog clearing. Sort of. Right up until those moments when the torture of relapse brings us right back into the uncertainties of cancer. The moment of panic when our survivor has an ache in her stomach or a funny feeling in her leg. Believe it or not, that has gotten a little better. But it's still there. I sometimes look at her legs (as the doctors always do on her visits) and think, "Ok, is that a normal kid amount of bruising on her legs or is this something that is excessive, which could indicate leukemia, a possible side effect of her treatments".
I'm certain she is going to be just fine. But, this monster caught me off guard once and prepared me to be a fighter. I won't let it catch me off guard again.