I feel like this is a battle I was never quite prepared for. I don't know what war feels like but this feels pretty close. We are always living cautiously, ready for a bomb to go off. Bags packed and ready for the next battle not knowing how big or small it might me. We sleep when we can, eat when we can and prepare as much as we can. The enemy feels like it's just lurking out there. We just don't know where or when it will attack. I want to fall on my face but I can't. No matter how tired and exhausted we feel, it doesn't matter. It's still there and we still have to fight it; every moment. As a close friend let me know, "This is way more emotional. In combat, everything is desensitized and your enemy is faceless. It's easy to block things out. Here, the enemy is inside somebody you love. You can't kill the enemy without hurting the one you love even though you know it has to be done."
When I go to the grocery store, run my errands and check FaceBook, I find it hard to see all these healthy children running around and not be envious. They are healthy. They get to live life outside of the hospital walls. My baby is stuck inside. I'm not gonna lie; it feels like prison sometimes. We are trying to make it as "fun as possible" but at times like these, it's not fun. It's not fun to have a sick kid. None of this is fun. I just wish she was better. I wish this cancer would go away.
Gabriella's fever hit again today. That means at least another 48 hours in the hospital, at least. We are thankful that she received her three drug chemo yesterday but now she has a fever. The blood and urine cultures they did earlier in the week are still negative. Is this good or is it a bad thing? Good I'm assuming because there is no bacteria growing but bad because we don't know why she's getting fevers. Her counts have been high. This is why they went ahead and gave her the chemo but why the fever now? It's so scary to think that something more is going on in her little body and no one can figure it out. So we wait.
On my way home from the hospital yesterday and coming back today, I blasted the song "Stronger" from Kelly Clarkson in my car. It felt good to sing as loud as I could to pass the driving time. I just wish I had a better voice. Today, I ran through the little park near our house as fast as I could. I cried, I screamed, I listened to "Stronger" over and over again. I thought of what I can do to make this better, to get me through it so I can get the rest of my family through it. I started to think about ideas for Gabriella's Victory Party. It's going to be big...and fun. I can't wait.